I guess I’m most bothered by these awards where people can’t admit they’re wrong. If you organize the world by WAR (or wOBA or wRC or FIP or whatever) I’m sure it’s easy and everything is clear, but you’re also a soulless ghoul.
With that I present to you Mermaid Tails: The Most Holistic and Inclusive Awards in All of USBA. If you disagree with any of the winners below and you know of someone that has a better narrative, please let me know and I’ll get my team right on updating it.
Premier League
C – Marcos Espinoza, Northern Virginia
Marcos Espinoza might be a Hall of Famer? He’s won three Gold Gloves, been on two league winners, and won SL Newcomer of the Year in 2048. As far as soulless stats go, in the modern era of USBA (2021+) he is 19th in catcher WAR. That’s probably higher than you thought! This year he lapped the field in batting average for PL catchers with at least 200 PAs, batting .297 (second place was Nestor Soliman at .250), and he was tied for third in Framing Runs. What a well-rounded fellow.
1B – Esteban Ortega, Hollywood
Ortega was the best base-runner in the PL this season, stealing 38 bases in 41 attempts. He also displayed mouth-watering versatility, playing at least 26 innings at four different positions (and 118 or more innings at three positions). And he’s a switch-hitter that slashed .288/.388/.462. He’s on the short list of the league’s most fun players.
2B – Xiao-gang Kong, Seattle/Fort Worth
I hate awarding Kong a tail for a season in which he played 73 games, but he had a historically great 37 games with Fort Worth and the rest of the PL 2Bs were uninspiring. While I think moving in the middle of the season is probably pretty difficult, it’s hard to think of a move that is better than going from Dallas’s shitty sidekick to the Pacific Northwest.
3B – Ishaan Swan, New Orleans
Swan was the best player in the PL at not making outs, leading the league in average (.324) and OBP (.410). Guys having career seasons in the PL at age 32 should elicit investigations.
SS – Iverson Allen, Buffalo
The worst all-time career SS ZR in USBA history is Ron Jackson, who played for Buckhead from 2048-2051. He racked up (down?) an incredible -92.1 ZR in only four seasons. Vancouver’s Xavier Ortiz is now 9th all time on this list after a -13 ZR season put him at -41 ZR for his career. Iverson Allen is the opposite of Ortiz and led PL SS’s in all the important fielding stats, all while hitting well enough. Can’t really ask for more than that.
LF – Rubén Nuañez, Hollywood
Nuañez only played 44 games in left field, but I’m tired of looking at Voodoo players having insane breakout seasons so I’d rather talk about him than Always Wright. Rubén wins this season’s Most Clutch Award™ with 3.5 WPA. He’s put up amazing numbers in his 30s and is climbing up a number of Hollywood career leaderboards, pretty great for a guy that Cheese can’t wait to get off his team.
CF – Saikaku Kato, New Orleans
Kato played fewer games than last year and all his fielding rates were down, some by a large amount. Offensively he wasn’t as much better than last year as different, trading power for average and some walks. Next time you’re throwing down a huge amount of money on an IFA just remember that tbud got this dude for $200k and he’s been the best CF in the PL for the last two years by a wide margin.
RF – Chong-hun Chon, Boston
Vancouver’s Wei-fang Ping had 47 doubles this year, which is second all-time in the PL. Only PC’s Kuniyoshi Kodo had more, with 51 in 2054. Kodo is also the career doubles leader in USBA with 486. Ping was second in the PL in extra-base hits with 58 – first-place belongs to Chon (59), who led the league in homers, WAR, slugging, OBP, and maybe a few other stats I’m missing.
DH – Marcos Iglecias, Buffalo
Availability is the most important skill, and no one played more games than Iglecias this year, with 109. In the regular season, at least. Dr. Leo Spaceman played the most total games across all of USBA with 128 but we’re not here to talk about that. Iglecias even played a few in the field, and led the Whitewalkers in basically every meaningful offensive stat (15 Troys).
SP – Teika Fukuda, New Orleans
Acquiring Fukuda for a 1st and 3rd was a really good deal for tbud, and Fukuda led the league in wins and IP this season. Must be nice!
RP – Eugene Pearce, New Orleans
Pearce wasn’t the best reliever on his own team, let alone in the PL. And owing $11M over two years to a reliever that shouldn’t pitch against right-hand batters would be a problem for 31 GMs in this league. But not the tGolden tBoy. Pearce was the most decisive pitcher in the league this year, going 7-7 (tied for the league lead in wins for a reliever) with 9 saves. He also led the league with 30 shutdowns and was tied for fourth in meltdowns. What a delightfully entertaining season.
Silver League
C – Marvin Lowry, Mississippi
Vegas’s platoon of Ricardo Flores and Weiner Blau is my favorite catcher situation in the league, because nothing beats a proper catcher platoon – that’s why Vegas led the SL in team ERA. But Mermaid Tails aren’t cheap, so the singular Marvin Lowry gets the award for catchers. If you’ve ever wondered how much your draft prep matters, an 11th round pick that spent five seasons and more than 300 games in the minors was very likely more valuable than whoever your catcher was.
1B – Daniel Webster, Toledo
It was really hard finding any interesting SL 1B’s to write about. In the future I might just skip some positions.
2B – Jochen Nelis, Panama City
You are not going to believe this. Nelis played in 101 games, accumulating 381 plate appearances. He hit .312 and was the best defensive 2B in the league. He walked ONE time. His OBP was .311, lower than his batting average. If Dr. Brian was still alive he would lose his mind over a statline like this.
3B – Gregg Curtis, Toledo
Curtis led the league in pretty much all the categories Sasha Mamchenko didn’t, slapping 87 singles while only hitting 6 homers, walking 13 times, and stealing 0 bases. He also probably deserves to win the Gold Glove. RIP Wade Boggs.
SS – Yoshitora Nakayama, Mississippi
When you vote for awards, please do not just select the guy that accumulated the most ZR. Have a soul. Nakayama is the greatest defensive player in the history of our league and he’s still a well above-average player. He should win the Gold Glove every season until he retires. And five years after he retires he should be a unanimous Hall of Fame selection. No one will ever match this dude’s defensive numbers.
LF – Justin Jacobson, Mexico City
Possibly my favorite player in the last 20 seasons, and none of my words can do him justice.
CF – Mark MacGrewar, Toledo
MacGrewar has 319 career PL plate appearances, and a .540 OPS. He’s a star in the SL and 3L, though. In related news, D4vid and Baker are in the market for a CF.
RF – Max Hoban, Panama City
Max is a terrorist that, somehow, mindlessly supports a police state. Be nicer to your parents, Max.
DH – Sasha Mamchenko, Mexico City
JJ received a 2nd round pick to take on Mamchenko’s contract, and Sasha rewarded him by leading the league in homers, RBI, slugging, OPS, probably a few other things, and he played all 108 games (availability is the most important skill). JJ is the best GM in the league and the only hope we have at dethroning tbud.
SP – Clemenz Lawrence, Panama City
I guess it’s Lawrence. Though you could also go with Taaij or Johnston. Fox would be a fun pick as well. Counting cups, though, Lawrence led the SL with 15 wins and 4.1 WAR, so I think he’s the right choice. Without him Panama City couldn’t have finished 54-54 with a 0 run differential.
RP – Min Der, Panama City
Kjeld Burger led the league in saves by a large margin, 31 (second place had 23). He also had a league-leading 8 blown saves, a 4.89 ERA, and -1.3 WAR. I would love to give him this award based on the absurdity of all of that, but Min Der led the league in games for the fifth straight season. Over those five seasons he’s averaged more than 94 innings pitched. He’s probably the most valuable reliever in the league.
Menard’s League
C – Kagetoki Ando, Charleston
Ando was a pro IFA signing this past offseason that turned out to be the most valuable catcher in USBA. Good for Duck.
1B – Gareth Kvernoey, Charleston
The Music Man Gareth Kvernoey spent a solid 10 seasons in Nova Scotia doing his best Mark Grace impersonation, hitting for a high average with gap power and little home run power. Then he didn’t play at all in 2057, a story for another place and another time. Well rested, he came back in 2058 and led the 3L in hits, doubles, and (as always, most importantly) games played. Availability is the most important skill.
2B – Tyler Harris, Thunder Bay
Prior to the switch to OOTP 25, Harris was at best a replacement level starter. In the two years since the switch he’s been one of the three best 2B bats in all of USBA. Some guys have all the luck.
3B – Eisse van Opdorp, Pittsburgh
At age 42, Mushy was above average at all facets of the game and won his sixth career league title. He deserves all the awards, and we should cherish him for as long as we’re lucky to have him.
SS – Brett Taylor, Oakland
Palmer Kent also had a good year. Kent was drafted in the first round of the 2056 draft, while Taylor was drafted in the second round of the 2051 draft. But Taylor is only 12 months older than Kent. That’s wild!
LF – Jeremy Dean, Echo Park
2055 #1 overall pick Jeremy Dean only played 43 games in Left Field, but he wins this award because he also had a 3.14 ERA in 66 innings pitched. He’s the most efficient base stealer we’ll ever see, stealing 93 bases in his career and only being caught five times. When things are done he’ll also be one of the most injured players of all time – he suffered nine injuries in 2058 alone.
CF – Matt Jenkins, Montana
There are too many good stories at this spot – Ai-de Lau made $34M this season, David White had a Gold Glove-worthy season while starting 21 games as a pitcher, and former #1 pick Angel Miranda hobbled his way to his best offensive season. But Rookie of the Year Matt Jenkins gets the nod for getting called up before Ant-Mart day and instantly becoming the Pandas best player. Take your asset management elsewhere.
RF – Shu-yaan Hor, Buckhead
Hor was the best player in USBA at not making outs, getting on base 41.6% of the time. He was so good at not making outs that Kerry has made it out of the 3L for the first time in 15 seasons. Anything is possible.
DH – José Eiriz, Pittsburgh/Buckhead
Eiriz is probably the only player in the history of USBA to help two teams get promoted from the 3L. Cheese, can you look that up for me?
SP – Richard Miller, Pittsburgh
Twrl has three Dicks on his team, and this has been very confusing for him. For the most part his Dicks are nothing special – one of them was pretty clearly below average and the other was acceptably average. But this Dick is special, and worth keeping an extra tight hold onto.
RP – Carroll Kelly, Pittsburgh
Anytime you can trade a 2nd rounder for a guy that was just on waivers you’ve gotta do it.