2053 KNORTS: Meet Me At The Reservoir

By | 2023-10-13

It’s been a while, huh? Since we last did this six different teams have won the PL, so yay parity! We missed a Hollywood dynasty, and a near second Buffalo dynasty, I’m sure you all would have loved to read about that. Sorry.

Anywho, I figured the only way to bring back something like this was to do it with a zombie, so I dug up Tuner and encouraged him to insult your teams. He lived up to expectations, some would say he even exceeded them. Next time I’ll see if Charles is available.

1. New Orleans

New Orleans did not get better this offseason. Seung-jae Kyong will be tough to replace, as will (presumably) Francisco Alhama. Santiago Proximo won’t pitch the best six games of his life next season. But whereas the Voodoo won last year by being the best team, this year they’ll win by being the least bad, as everyone close to them has gotten exponentially worse. – Davey

What have you people done!!! You have let Chase take over. This is his world and we are just living in it. He gets everything he wants: a great QB at Cincy who is having his best season and a college football team that will win it all. CHASE GETS EVERYTHING. – Zombie Tuner
2. Athletic Club KC

If Bosmer sued Andy for gimmick infringement there’s not a court in the land that wouldn’t find Andy guilty. – Davey

Andy is the better Andy but I will give him advice that he should not listen to. I have loved Ethan Duffy since I got him from Grog but it’s time to make him a DH. Back in my day (ed. note: πŸ™„) a .255 average would get you demoted, but in today’s USBA that makes you the second-best hitting team in the PL. This team has some holes but I am assuming he will do some signings once some of the FA prices come down some. As is tradition. – Zombie Tuner
3. Buffalo

Even after losing Eisse van Opdorp, Daniel Marley, and trading Thomas Zachary and Asvarya Konduru, there’s a good team in Buffalo. But when Chros says he’s going to rebuild, by gawd he’s going to rebuild, so I’m projecting and thinking this will be a rough year for the White Walkers. – Davey

I put Chros third but looking back now I think I only voted with my heart. Don’t go breaking my heart, Chros. Find a way, like you do, to still be a good team. I am also still salty about you sniping Ruben Nuanez, but that is more that OOTP is broken. (ed. note: spoilers, the salt doesn’t stop here) – Zombie Tuner
4. Mississippi

Noted Bone Thugs N Harmony fan Beau is at a crossroads. He’s got a bloated $150 million payroll and no impact prospects ready to help. Mockingbird legend Ai-de Lau’s contract is up at the end of the season. Difficult situations like this define a man. I’ll see you at the crossroads, crossroads. – Davey

I did laugh that all of my players (ed. note: creative use of “all”) that failed me in my last year went to Beau’s team and I think he won it all. Who knows if Beau stays up or tries for the rebuild. IMO the only person that can stop Beau is his wife. – Zombie Tuner
5. Boston

It has now been six years since Boston won the PL, the franchise’s second-longest drought. Evil responded to a 54-54 season by letting star 1B Zhong-yi Yun hit free agency and so far the only signing is a RP that can’t get lefties out. He’s got the top system in the PL so that will help fill some holes, but there are a lot of holes. – Davey

Evil Tyler is hanging out just like the football team he loves. Will he continue to trend the same way as the Pats? Is it time to bring in new blood? I love Iiri Lahti but Davey would complain about his sidearm……SIDEARM PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!!!! – Zombie Tuner
6. Vancouver

Only eight years ago, the Vipers won the 3L with 74 wins. The next year they’d win the SL with 72 wins, only to suffer three painful years in the PL. Last year the Left Sharks once again won the 3L with 74 wins and this year they look poised to once again dominate the SL. Hopefully Dave has updated his PL algorithm this time. – Davey

Dave is good at the game, imagine if he cared.. that should scare you. I see this team making the double jump all the way to the PL. Now let’s see what happens when they get there. – Zombie Tuner
7. Greenville

I decided to mix things up last week and made salsa verde rather than the red salsa I normally make. I hadn’t cooked with tomatillos before so I was a little nervous, but the family loved it! I did add a serrano pepper to the recipe to give it a little more of a kick, and honestly I probably should have added two. Or maybe it was just because the jalapeno wasn’t spicy. Jalapenos are so hit or miss for me, but that’s probably for another edition of KNORTS. – Davey

Bosma is better than you and you should just accept it. – Zombie Tuner
8. Panama City

For the first time in 21 seasons Panama City is back in the PL, and as soon as we find out what the Doctor does with that $64 million of budget space I’ll let you know how I feel about it. Hopefully a chunk is devoted to buying some left socks for club legend Pat Butler. – Davey

Brian gets robbed every year. He navigates caps and money issues but the man is always holding him down (ed. note: the Davey Enterprise lawyers have insisted we mention that this may not be entirely factual). Stay strong Brian, stay strong. – Zombie Tuner
9. Pittsburgh

Last year Pittsburgh boasted a pitching staff of four extreme groundball pitchers (and one groundball pitcher), and an infield worth -17 ZR. The only positive ZR infirelder was, of course, a first baseman. So while SS Han-seung A and the versatile Seung-Jae Kyong won’t make this team a contender, they at least make this team make sense. – Davey

Seung-Jae Kyong went from striking out 20+ times a year to 80+. Thanks OOTP. Tyler its time for you to do something. I want to see some rings even though I won’t see it. – Zombie Tuner
10. St. Louis

Base runs says that St. Louis should have been promoted last season, but this season the Couer won’t have to worry about base runs. They won 79 games in the 3L in 2040, and should come close to that total this year. – Davey

I have heard that STL lost in the promotion series but this won’t happen again. You can find me in Saint Louis. – Zombie Tuner
11. Toledo

We got Ozzie a walker the other day, and there was a warning on it not to leave your baby in the walker for 30+ minutes, as it can lead to exhaustion. I feel like there’s also a warning there to remind parents not to dump their child in the walker and ignore them. TeeJ has left his team in the walker for well over 30 minutes. He’s no longer in the same house, same zip code, same city, same county or likely even the same state. You’re on your own Stingers, good luck. – Davey

Is TeeJ still good at killing pitchers? He has a lot going for him. The Lions, the Wolverines, and the Bees are all doing great. Having a starting rotation of all LHP makes me hard. – Zombie Tuner
12. Montana

Pander’s impatience has often been his undoing. As has his inability to find an effective market inefficiency. In this PL, though, his impatience looks like it is a market inefficiency, and if you’re not getting 2034 Las Vegas vibes from this team then I don’t know what to tell you. – Davey

Ok now I have seen it all. Panda is in the PL… great job Panda. I don’t know if your lineup and pitching staff is good enough for the PL but who cares you are here. You are good at two things, surprising me and blocking Beau on Discord 😊- Zombie Tuner
13. Charleston

It was a good first season for Don, who took a team that had made three straight 3L promotion series appearances and improved their wins and table position. But it still wasn’t good enough to get promoted, and here comes the tricky part. Stu Hamilton and Nando van der Goor are free agents, and according to OSA there are literally no prospects on this team. – Davey

I like this team and I feel like they could challenge the 3L. I will say they need to do something this season though. I personally would stay in the 3L and reset, don’t feel the need to rush out. – Zombie Tuner
14. Ft. Worth

Two teams that finished above Ft. Worth were promoted and the third has gone out of its way to field as bad of a major league team as possible. Scooter has taken advantage of this by letting three regulars leave and splashing $8 million on 37-year-old defensive liability Snacks Soto and a motley crew of fringe starters. There’s still plenty of budget space here so I don’t doubt there will be more signings, but that strategy works better when half the PL isn’t also sitting on a pile of money waiting for Spring Training to start. – Davey

Death, taxes, and an average Ft. Worthless team are the only three things you can count on in life. If Scooter put the effort his contractor put into his girlfriend while he was supposed to be working on his house….well let’s just say we would have a new PL Champ. – Zombie Tuner
15. Santa Catalina

2052 was a noticeable step forward for the Condor. They improved their win total by four games and made the playoffs for the first time in four seasons. 2053 will be year 12 in the 3L, so hopefully there are more improvements. – Davey

I needed Jesus but Jesus put me in the friend zone. The Condors have a chance to win the 3L. I would say they arguably have one of the best pitching staffs in the Family Dollar league. – Zombie Tuner
16. Detroit

If you’re ever feeling bad about your team, just think about Detroit. They have the lowest market size and fan loyalty in the league. They finished last in total revenue, merch revenue, and season tickets (with a league low $17.52 ticket price) last season. On the bright side, they were 31st in playoff revenue. Ha, it’s ironic that his name is DMoney. – Davey

If you need any more evidence about how bad I am at the game (you probably have enough) look at this team. Max van Capelleveen, Jose Martinez, Carlos Sandoval, and Miguel Gonzalez are all pitchers that I traded. This team would be better but DMoney happens to be worse than me. – Zombie Tuner
17. San Mateo

The Dirty Reds made a splash by signing Kalino Iolana to a five-year deal, a signing TeeJ hasn’t even noticed yet. Hopefully Dodds doesn’t waste him defensively at first base like his previous manager did. – Davey

Another example of me being bad (yes this is all about me), I thought the Potato would be the 3L a couple of seasons ago. But here they are just hanging on. It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. – Zombie Tuner
18. Colorado

Only three seasons ago this team finished 4th in the PL and was in the ToC. But last season was the team’s second sub 50-win season in a row, and they narrowly avoided the double trap door. I discussed Detroit’s woes, but one thing they’re not worst in is Fan Interest – a distinction that belongs to the Billy Goats. Hopefully the Bring a Goat Get in Free promotion pays off this season. – Davey

Colorado is like my sex life. Sure I might think it’s really good and brag about it, but at best it’s average (ed. note: PRESS X TO DOUBT GIF). Not to kink shame, but Colorado may just be good ole missionary. It still feels good but nobody is renting that DVD. – Zombie Tuner
19. Cape Coral

There is beauty in just being. Simply existing. Not yearning to go anywhere or do anything or be anyone. – Davey

I like Grogg and the rest of you suck. He gave me a Tigers coffee mug and I like to think it was not because I won a bet but because we are best friends. – Zombie Tuner
20. Hollywood

In the same way that Trump has completely disrupted the news cycle, Hollywood has broken every financial facet of OOTP. Cheese now has enough money and prospects to do literally whatever he wants, so get fucking excited. – Davey

Cheese: I can raise or lower my win total on command
League: Why would you want to lower your win total?
Cheese: So I can raise it of course. Also if your FI is not around 100 you are dumb.
Zombie Tuner
21. D.C.

It was an impossibly painful season for DC, one that I’m happy to recap. After finishing dead last in 2051, the United started hot in 2052 and spent much of the first few months of the season at or near the top of the 3L. Gerth even traded his first round pick for Naganori Inoue, who put up a .579 OPS in 32 games. Eventually injuries and BABIP finding its level caught up with the team, and they slipped to a tie for fifth on the final day of the season. They then lost a heartbreaking game 110 to finish out of the promotion playoffs entirely. Somehow not deterred, Gerth has been one of the more aggressive GMs in the 3L this offseason, and DC is considered a favorite to make the playoffs. – Davey

I was going to say nice things but Stats+ says Manuel Ruiz is DC’s #1 starter, so legally I cannot. The pitching staff looks like the Island of misfit toys. The lineup would look great if it was 2048. The team is like the upcoming election, there are no good options. – Zombie Tuner
22. Seattle

No team underperformed their pytag record as much as Seattle last season, posting an impressive -7 wins. They weren’t good at Base Runs either, underperforming their win total in that stat by 4. Don’t worry, though, this is normal for Seattle, as it’s the fourth time in five seasons they’ve underperformed in those categories. Consistency is the key. – Davey

My old team, I loved them like family but treated them like Elon treats X. Did you know that Ta-hye Keng would be a platoon DH at best? I know and have the proof if you need to see it 😊 – Zombie Tuner
23. Long Island

The Lighthouse cheated base runs, pythag, and any non-luck measure and snuck into the SL in 2051, and last season played just well enough to stay up. While there weren’t any major league signings of note (or any at all, yet) there’s a good farm system here, and 2053 should be better than the last two. – Davey

Speaking of great trading partners, let me introduce you to my friend Michael… This guy, getting him to make an offer on a player is the best experience I have ever had. Each time he wants to make a trade with you he comes in with not only one great offer but at least three contingent offers if you don’t like the first. If you have not made a trade with Michael its because you are the problem. (ed. note: there are large bodies of water in Utah with less salt than Tuner) – Zombie Tuner
24. Oakland

Oakland won 67% of its games between 2050 and 2051, capturing the SL and 3L crowns. Last year they won 42% of their games in the PL, a record roughly in line with their pythag and base runs wins. How does something like this happen? The Oaks boasted by far the worst defense in the league, with a catcher platoon worth nearly -14 framing runs and the worst ZR at six positions. This is 2/3 of a really good team and they should bounce back quickly. – Davey

It seems like Oakland tasted greatness. If tasting greatness was eating Taco Bell, because they are already heading back down. Tom Bleasdale gets almost 40 million a year to ride the teacups at Disney. – Zombie Tuner
25. Las Vegas

Last year’s atrocious 42-66 record broke the Flamingos streak of nine seasons with at least 52 wins and six seasons of at least a .500 win percentage. So the message is clear, don’t mess up, even once. Because as soon as you do the woke mob will cancel you like they canceled Tom. – Davey

Jake White is back on this team… what is going on. Back in the 3L, though. where it’s safe. Sure some teams can be really good but at least comfortable down here. – Zombie Tuner
26. Baltimore

Last year, Baltimore finished last in the PL with less than 40 wins for the second time in four seasons. It’s probably time for a proper rebuild, which Buck is seemingly aware of judging by #trade-blocks. An optimist would point out that the last time this franchise did a proper rebuild they became arguably the best team in the history of this league. – Davey

I have always loved Jorge Rocha, but I love him like I love my dad. He’s not around enough since he went to go get them smokes. This team should be in the express lane to the 3L. Fortunately for Buck he should be able to do a couple of things to keep them in the SL and have that budget reset. – Zombie Tuner
27. Kingston Township

Let’s say you have a broken refrigerator in your apartment. It’s been broken for a while and you never took the food out. You wouldn’t dare open the door now, for fear of the smell or maybe even the new lifeform that would ooze out. You don’t have to open the door to know that something weird is going on in there, and much of your day is spent avoiding finding out what exactly. – Davey

This team could not hit last year and I don’t see this improving much this season. Tyler Adams is up and helping, but there is too much of a gap for just him. The pitching staff confuses me. They look solid but why are they giving up 80 home runs? I once tried to trade for Amor Campos with Rayzor and he said “Sorry he is not available”. He then moved him the next day… (ed.note: couldn’t happen to a nicer guy) – Zombie Tuner
28. Echo Park

Catcher Tony San Pedro had an amazing season in 2052, posting 8.6 framing runs to lead all of USBA. But he didn’t win the Gold Glove. Instead you people gave the Gold Glove to Las Vegas catcher Gilberto Escamilla, who did throw out an impressive 46% of base stealers, but was an absolute mess framing pitches, costing his team 6.5 runs over the season. You people just saw that he was worth 3 ZR, as if that means anything for a fucking catcher, and gave him the award. You’re hopeless and your voting privileges should be taken away. – Davey

Am I missing something? Every player in the lineup looks like trash. This team was bad in the SL and they will be bad in the 3L. Haha just looked at Stats+ and this GM gave out an illegal contract, given it’s your first season I am sure they will allow it. Congrats if you got married. – Zombie Tuner
29. Northern Virginia

Top hitting prospects Charlie Townsend and Eric Cowart struck out too much to be viable major league bats, posting shocking 64 and 78 wRC+’s. Top pitching prospect Jesus Rosas had an entirely unimpressive 4.15 ERA, while Antonio Pineda celebrated his first major league season with a 6.19 ERA. These are my best prime or pre-prime players. On the farm, #3 overall pick Marc Clemow got hurt three times and my two new top hitting prospects, Earnest Ellison and Ed Ward, put up 58 and 8 OPS+’s in single-A. NoVa 2053: Season Tickets on Sale Now! – Davey

This guy is as good at being a GM as he is at eating meat. His rimjobs are on point, though. GM of the year material. – Zombie Tuner
30. Nova Scotia

It’s been a swift decline for the Leviathan. While you might think that’s because the mercurial previous
owner couldn’t manage his emotions, well, you would actually be right. The Daniel Marley signing is risky, but bonus points for being bold, while the Cor van Capelleveen signing is a sneaky good one. It’s great Tyler is getting to make his mark on the franchise, but there’s a long road ahead. – Davey

Daniel Marley is a great signing… if it was (I was going to enter a year that was a few years ago but Marley does not usually stay healthy so it’s a bad signing no matter when). To be fair the previous GM was shjt and jumped ship before this Titanic left the dock. – Zombie Tuner
31. Buckhead

According to The Way Things Are Doneℒ️, Kerry did the right thing by trading Basillo Penni and Alonso Alvarez before they got too expensive. He even got some nice pieces in return. But I don’t know, if I already had the best farm system in the 3L and two young studs to build around, and it was a historical buyer’s market, maybe I would trade a few of those prospects for some major league help and try to win. Or we can enter year nine of the rebuild, that’s cool too. – Davey

Other team: Do I have a deal for you. I know you have these productive players that are young and doing really well. You should trade them to me for these lesser prospects that might be able to be half the player this guy is.
Buckhead: Where do I sign?
– Zombie Tuner
32. Thunder Bay

Ah crap I already used the broken refrigerator analogy. Ummm, last year was awful and this year looks to be about as bad. – Davey

What do you do if you finish last in the 3L? Nothing. The pitching should be better than they were last season. Embrace the suck, trade Hakizamana Kipkorir and pray that Dusty Crum gets hit by a bus. – Zombie Tuner