Everybody wants to get famous But you just want to dance in a basement You don’t care if anyone is watching Just as long as you stay in motion
Keep dancing in the basement, my 3L lovelies.
Vancouver Wolf Pups (74-34, 1st place in the 3L, is totally going to come back…)
What they should do: They gotta get younger. Seven guys 35 or older have deals that are expiring, which is good, but among those Solid Contributors™ Ton Jobse, Jesus Lezcano, Tom Dickinson, and Jimbob Ghostkeeper will need to be replaced. Probably not enough youngsters to pull off another Judas trade, so they should be aggressive in free agency. – Davey
What they will do: Is in the running for winning the SL and doing the double promotion. Will call up a couple of kids for the holes and the rest will fill by good trades and smart FA signings. Look for him to also be very active in IFA with that budget boost. – Tuner
Echo Park Parkers (71-37, 2nd place in the 3L, somehow lost the promotion playoff final, many people are saying this year is their year but I’m not sure I see it)
What they should do: 15th time is the charm! With a roughly $35M budget increase, the Parkers should spend like they’ve spend a decade and a half in jail and just got out. – Davey
What they will do: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. In case you missed it please read Davy’s note again. He thought they were going to get promoted (ed. note: it’s true, and I didn’t bother to re-write my blurb. What are you gonna do, fire me?). HAHAHAHA. I would say something has to give but that’s not always true, as he can always stay in the 3L if he wants to. If Panama City does not do anything (and I already said he won’t), Echo Park has a good chance of promoting this year. – Tuner
Nashville Firemen (64-44, 3rd place in the 3L, lost in the promotion playoff first round, took a long simulated flight after the loss)
What they should do: Okay they have money, a lot of money for the 3L. They have some good young players. They might re-sign Santagel depending on the amount, but I would for sure be adding things in FA. They will be spending that money. – Tuner
What they will do: Nashville will make a trade at the deadline causing a league-wide firestorm and leading to a flurry of HR complaints. They will sign at least two former Boston players, including JAM. – Davey
Detroit Tigers (61-47, 4th place in the 3L, won the promotion playoffs, has Jim Leyland’s name tattooed in old English on his back)
What they should do: After an abysmal 5-13 start, Detroit won 62% of their games, which is good. This was done with a $23M payroll, which is impressive. But Detroit has Poor Fan Loyalty, the lowest FI in the game, and the 11th best system in the 3L. Consistently winning will hopefully solve the first two, and developing a better system will hopefully help them consistently win. – Davey
What they will do: Middle infield was bad and he already started to address that. He will then go out and grab a 1B/3B bat to help that offense. He will be in the running to win the SL or at least be in the promotion playoffs again. – Tuner
Oakland Oaks (56-52, 5th place in the 3L, lost in the promotion playoffs first round, his work blocks the Team Fielding page on S+)
What they should do: I would trade Ohm if I could. He is a great player but a DH, and they should not be paying a DH that much money in the 3L. If they can’t trade him, I should only start him at DH and he should never see the field. If I can trade Ohm, I use that money to fill in some holes. – Tuner
What they will do: Lol he won’t trade Ohm, who was actually playable in LF last season. Oakland will spend eight figures on IFAs and continue to focus on building the 3L’s top ranked farm. Orlybear will be placed on waivers at some point this season, and will be released before his contract is over. Dude makes Antonio Brown seem like a sweetheart. – Davey
Thunder Bay Lions (54-54, 6th place in the 3L, hasn’t worn pants once since he started working from home)
What they should do: On August 9 they were 42-33, but went 12-21 to close out the season despite only four series against playoff teams. Whatever they do, as long as Dusty Krum doesn’t put up another 97 wRC+ season and Armando Trujillo pitches (way) more than 30.1 innings, things will be better. – Davey
What they will do: Has some fights in the 3L but finish outside the top five again. Re-signs Souza to a huge six-year deal, only to then trade him to Cheese and cover the salary. – Tuner
Las Vegas Flamingos (52-56, tied for 7th place in the 3L, is starting to realize the last GM was really checked out)
What they should do: They have Jake White. They have Jake White. They don’t care about anything else because they have Jake White. My plans would be to wait until he is ready and rule the world. – Tuner
What they will do: It will be a transitional season once again, as the team realizes their lack of female pop star knowledge places them at a huge disadvantage in this league. They will make the best draft pick this year once again. – Davey
Montana Panders (52-56, tied for 7th place in the 3L, I double checked the record and it is, in fact, correct)
What they should do: They should not trade their draft picks or any of their prospects. They should invest in scouting, pick up Jebus’s option, and hope that some of last year’s magic is repeatable. They should not trade their draft picks or any of their prospects. Their 2047 draft picks, and any prospect that someone would be interested in, should NOT be available in a trade. – Davey
What they will do: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA another Davy note that was made too fast. I think that Panda should try to trade his whole draft for a star LH hitter… boom spot on. – Tuner
Nawlins Papa Shangos (50-58, 9th place in the 3L, still getting thank you cards from NoVa fans for 2042)
What they should do: They hit 68 home runs last season, which is not acceptable. The average across all leagues was 116 homers. The last team to hit less than 68 dingers was my 2042 Rainbow Mermaids, who went 32-77 and relegated Nawlins in game 109. They should hit more homers next season. – Davey
What they will do: Say screw home runs, as chicks dig gap shots. Starts the process of turning the ship around. Has no major contracts and some money, he will spend it on IFAs as he is in it for the long haul. – Tuner
Cleveland Browns (43-65, 10th place in the 3L, is shocked at how seamlessly he has become Florida Man)
What they should do: They have no budget, no payroll, and a couple of nice players in the majors and minors. That’s as Cleveland as it gets, folks. Keep on keeping on Grogger. – Davey
What they will do: At least you’re not Detroit! Wait that does not work anymore. The city of Cleveland is okay with just being there, so it’s not an issue if the team just is kind of there as well. Have fun with the draft. – Tuner
Buckhead Bowties (39-69, 11th place in the 3L, has Joe Biden’s name tattooed in old English on his back)
What they should do: Sell my young star players for the chance of drafting young star players… what’s that… that was done already… well shij. With the first step done, I would try to draft a star CF that could get almost 5 WAR in the PL. I would then focus on drafting an amazing 2B that is an XBH machine. – Tuner
What they will do: They will finish with the #1 pick, even if Montana sells and Buffalo decides not to flip the switch. Anyone that shows signs of life will be dealt. – Davey
Buffalo Nightwalkers (32-76, 12th place in the 3L, is already planning his next rebuild)
What they should do: Start a real SS and CF, call up Jim Jordan, Jose Ramirez and Zhong-yi Yung on Ant-Mart day next season, and make the playoffs. This was a successful rebuild. – Davey
What they will do: Takes his next step as King Jeremy the Wicked. He was beat up on because he wanted to get beat up on. Calls up some young guns when the time is ready. Things are looking up. – Tuner
