By | 2023-10-06

Act I: The Premier Pantomime

Ah, the New Orleans Voodoo – the fresh darlings of the Premier League! Just as their moniker suggests, there’s something mystical in the Bayou air. Their Cuban sensation, Eduardo Lopez, is said to have arrived in the US of A by sailing on a raft fashioned from discarded baseball bats, guided only by the North Star and his trusty compass. Some whisper the compass once belonged to Babe Ruth himself. Nevertheless, this Cuban marvel, by some twist of fate, or perhaps the pull of the magnetic Ruthian relic, ended up on the Voodoo’s doorstep. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Ladies and gents, this is the high table where kings and jesters dine together! The Athletic Club from KC, despite their success, managed to bid adieu to half of their starting lineup. Ethan Duffy, that sterling bat with leather allergies, returned fewer balls than a dog on a lazy Sunday.

The Buffalo White Walkers, always a topic of wintery conversation, ended up trading for the rather mediocre Thomas Zachary. He might be better suited for playing Snowball than baseball with his .150 batting average.

Oh, those Mississippi Mockingbirds, whose song wasn’t as sweet this year, still had Ai-de Lau shining bright amidst impending contract gloom. Meanwhile, the Boston Patriots, for whom everyone has a “fond” heart, played a little too magically this season with their no-hitters. One can only hope their baseballs aren’t enchanted!

Greenville 84s, a testament to the fact that every tale needs an average Joe. Speaking of moves, Pittsburgh Kingfishers are in Pittsburgh but might be yearning for Houston? Confounded geography! San Mateo’s Dirty Reds, headed by the low-hitting “Mendoza Line” Dodds, certainly had their hands full keeping the batting averages lower than a limbo bar at a child’s birthday party. The Oakland Oaks, alas, have taken a tumble, with Terry “Meltdown” Lesage, presumably melting at all the wrong moments. And Baltimore? Their star shot a bit too dimly this season, plummeting back to the Silver soiree below.

Act II: Silvered Soap Opera

The Panama City Piranhas have long been the big fish of the Silver League, especially with their ace, Pat Butler. But alas, rumors of discord in the water! Butler, it is whispered, couldn’t come to a contract agreement due to an elaborate and slightly absurd condition: he demanded the team supply him with an endless array of left socks (never the right) for reasons only known to him and perhaps his pet parakeet, Percival.

Then there are the Montana Pandas, promoted with the sheer genius of GM Andrew Schupick. Or is it perhaps an anti-genius? The old baseball adage, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them,” seems to be at play. After 30 some seasons of questionable decisions, he’s now taking the exact opposite approach, and would you believe it? The Pandas are Premier bound!

Oh, Hollywood, where dreams either sparkle or shatter! The Shredders, steered by the enigmatic Bill Cheese, proved this season that money might just be thicker than victory. Fort Worth’s Cattleman showcased young Louis Beltsoe, whose bat was hotter than his IQ. The Cape Coral Hurricanes swirled around pitcher Janghyun Han, a storm waiting to be unleashed on bigger shores.

Colorado’s Billy Goats tried to tug at fans’ heartstrings with outrageous promotions like “Bring a Goat, Get In Free” and “Moon Jump Mondays.” For Long Island Lighthouse, Jonas van Claveren retired, and rumor has it he’s now a professional waffle iron tester. A crispy post-career indeed! Seattle Rocketeers seemed more invested in ensuring they had nothing to do with rockets, or Musk. Las Vegas Flamingos, under too-gentle Williams, found themselves ruffling a few feathers, especially Jake White’s. The Echo Park Lakers, well, their echoes from yesteryears are all they have left.

Act III: The Menard’s Melodies

Hark! The Vancouver Grey Wolves howl their victory in the Menard’s League, thanks in large part to the mighty Wayne Jackson. But their celebration has been marred with the dark cloud of suspicion. Did the Northern Virginia Rainbow Mermaids have a nefarious fin in Jackson’s sudden downfall? Perhaps, but as of now, it’s all hearsay and fish tales.

The Toledo Stingers, despite their GM’s profound indifference, have soared high. Rumor has it, TJ Reynolds couldn’t pick his starting 2B from a lineup of mannequins, let alone name his left fielder. Yet, by some quirk of fate, they’re Silver-bound. Perhaps it’s all just a splendid reminder that in baseball, anything’s possible, even when you’re not quite sure what’s happening.

Charleston’s Battery charged into the season with the firecracker Don Lookingbill. Word is, before becoming a GM, he was a lion tamer, a door-to-door vacuum salesman, and briefly, a mime. Santa Catalina’s “Horseface” Ramirez, after an injury-plagued season, spent his offseason practicing yoga with goats, leading to his astounding comeback.

The St. Louis Coeur’s Ozzie Canales-Lister, he’s so popular that babies, cats, and even inanimate objects are being named after him. The story goes, he once saved a carnival and discovered a new shade of blue, all in a day’s work. The DC Divided spent the year climbing up, only to tumble down like a child on a playground slide. Detroit’s lanky Jose Martinez was seen reaching for the stars and helping old ladies in stores. A true giant, in stature and heart.

The Northern Virginia Rainbow Mermaids sprinkled charm everywhere they went, with genius GM Lister ensuring they were more than just a pretty tail. Kingston Township’s Knights, despite their name, faced many a dark day, culminating in a switch of their bats. Perhaps they were made of night? The Buckhead Bowties remained consistently…low. Nova Scotia’s swift descent in the ranks is heartbreaking, yet Studebaker’s respect is evergreen. Thunder Bay’s Lions had a roar more like a whimper this year, with GM Williams letting his offspring show displeasure in a most unusual manner.

And thus, dear readers, the curtains fall on our 2052 stage. As always, baseball remains a theatre of dreams, dramas, and delightful absurdities!