An Oral History of Buckheads Championship Season
“Be kind to everyone you met on the way up; you’ll meet the same people on the way down”- Jimmy Durante
NEW ORLEANS, LA- September 28th, 2035
The longtime Buckhead clubby Chris Shufflebarger glanced up at the screen in the visitors locker room. In the next hour he was about to experience either the pinnacle of his professional career, or wheel away carts of champagne. Chris was accustomed to near misses since taking over as clubhouse attendant in 2014, but he hoped this time things would be different for his beloved Ties. All they needed to do was win against New Orleans, and get a little bit of help from Portland and The Shield would be coming home. Several one, two, three innings later capped off by a Jose Vilencia swinging K, the Ties lost 1-2. “I had the routine down pat by now from all of those Cup losses. You have to bust it to make sure the champagne isn’t anywhere near them when they come in. I am like a ghost, I can’t be seen on these type of nights. I didn’t really have time to let the loss hit me in that second, plus I knew we still had Manning, Buchanan, Jost, Bangert, Valencia, Pringle, Maskell, and Si…” he says staring down at his shirt with all of their names on top of one another with the ampersand, “I thought we would be back the next year…”
Shufflebarger wasn’t the only one who thought they would regroup in the winter and make another run at The Sheid, everyone who looked at that roster had similar thoughts. No one on that team charter back from New Orleans that night knew just how long it would be before Buckhead was able to crack open those cases of Andre.
Part One: The Glory Daze
Everyone showed up at Spring Training 2035 with high expectations. The first three months of the season didn’t disappoint as the Bow Ties surged to the top of the Elo chart a few months in. Winning the PL would never be easy, but with the roster as loaded as theirs it seemed more probable than not. Even without winning the title they finished with the best RD, xRD, and xW-L. The faithful were used to losing and took a lot of pride in being the best USBA team on paper.
Ron Manning, (starting pitcher): “We knew the stars were aligned in ‘35 like they are back home in the Texas sky. That team had everything a championship club needed. Its a damn shame we didn’t win it for y’all”
Derek Bangert, (first baseman): “That ‘35 team was good, yes, but I think the bigger part of this story was that we all came up together. This whole core rose through the ranks at the same time. We dug this club out of the Mendard’s League together. Have you ever smelled the Menard’s League? Its not great”
Jesus Encarnacion, (minor league, DH): “They would show all the Bow Ties games on TV down in A ball. I had a terrible year in ’35. I think I was negative WAR. Those dudes seemed larger than life at the time”
Richard Jost, (shortstop): “The only thing that stood in our way was a little Portland Devil Magic ™ . On the mound we had Manny, Prings, and Masky and at the plate we had myself (Josty), Bangs, and my boiiiiii Si! These weren’t a bunch of hosers, yaknow? Some of those dudes dealt that year, man. From short it looked like they were tossing up these little Timbits to the hitters”
Buckhead Betty (Buckhead Superfan): “I love those ‘35ers! I will never forget where I was. I was flat on my back at Piedmont Hospital recovering from my fourth breast enlargement surgery watching the final series in New Orleans! Everyone thought this was our year and I had my girls done specifically for my boys.
Marcus Shill (left field): “Here I am this young kid from the islands, and I finally get called up. I was just happy to get a paycheck and here I am play left field next to future Hall of Fame player, even though he really sucked for Vancouver, Jose Valencia! You can’t ask for anything more than that”
Kerry Hofmeister (General Manager): “Due to several bad decisions that I made during my 20s, I am not able to have kids. That group of ‘35ers is as close I will ever get. My whole life has been this club… WE WON THE FAKE WINS, DAMMIT!”
They may have dominated the Fake Wins, but the winning feeling was real to many in Buckhead who thought the good times would never end.
Stonewall Boregard (Buckhead Superfan and Betty’s husband): “If I ever see than sumbitch Rubia out in public its over. That was the sweetest summer of my life heading to 5 Paces Park for a weekend series. If I knew in the moment, it problya hurt worst”
Jost: “The boys there were feelin real good in the summer months when we went on a tear. We got even better when we pulled up Shillsy. I remember him swinging quite the hot bat there for awhile, eh?”
John Downing (club legend/assistant GM): “Buckhead is a Big Club. We have that Big Club feel around here when things are going well. We had a buzz around the park like I have never seen”
Shufflebarger: “People forget that I had an OPS+ of 48 in 39 plate appearances for the 2013 team”
Bangert: “It wasn’t just on the field, we were one family off of it as well”
Betty: “I says to myself these wins ain’t just a flash in the pan. I will show those boys a flash…”
Hofmeister: “Seeing a plan come together after so much Commitment to Mediocrity was a beautiful thing. I put together a complete ball club that year. The issue was money… the whole time things were going up there was this sense that we couldn’t keep it together. We had so many dudes of similar ages, and we couldn’t pay them all. As soon as we lost that game in NOLA I had GMs scratching at the door to move guys…”
Part Two: The Bill Comes Due
To quote the 2004 blockbuster film Anchorman, “Bob Dylan once wrote the times they are a changin’, but Ron Burgundy had never heard that song”. What goes up, must come down, but mathematically the trajectory of most objects follows a parabola. The trajectory of this Buckhead squad was straight down. It happened slow, and then all of a sudden as Hofmeister sold of the best players after a slow start in the 2036 season. The suck did not stop there as the Bow Ties hit the rare double trap door with 69 loses and automatic relegation to the the Silver League the following season. All clubs have to take their medicine from time to time, but for the few Buckhead fans left this felt like shotgunning Dimetap at an SAE party in Athens.
Shufflebarger: “It was just one after another… I am having to pack up two or sometimes three lockers a day from these guys. Most were nice enough to tip me on the way out, but Manning still owes me $150 from a bet, too bad he will never read this”
Jost: “When we sold Big Mc to NOVA we were all kind of shocked? Yeah, Hoffy has made some bad calls in the past, everyone knows that, but is he really going to blow things up?”
Bangert: “Guys started getting texts from their agents, but we still had a core here. We didn’t think the destruction would be so fast and so complete, but then again, a lot of us grew up watching Buckhead”
Hofmeister: “We needed ‘36 to go well from the jump. A slow start wasn’t acceptable, and that was exactly was happened. I am staring at a bunch of guys we for sure can’t sign back, so what am I going to do?”
Betty: “Bullshit, man. If it wasn’t for the Mountain Dew and Dorito fusion chip coming out at the same time I would have been furious”
Hofmeister: “We were a sitting duck in that trade market, but other than Fake Wins, I believe in marginal wins as my north star in GMing. Those guys did us no good, and were getting expensive. At that point I did what any good GM would do: order a few weapons grade Four Lokos circa 2010 and trade the whole team.”
Bangert: “You learn early on that this is a business. Did we want to stay together? Of course, but we understand we sign up for trades. What really pissed a lot of guys off is what we were traded for”
Manning: “All of us was spread out throughout the leagues, but we still kept in touch. I know we will have a ‘35ers reunion at my ranch someday”
Shill: “All the mentors that I had went out the door in about a week. The paychecks kept coming, which was good, but we were a bad, bad club for those next couple years”
Downing: “As a player the loses hurt, but somehow they hurt more from the AGM suite. Remember, this is a Big Club, so circling the drain hurts”
Stonewall: “It is relief that I was blacked out for the entire 2037 season because I am reading now, things didn’t end well”
Encarnacion: “In the minors all you care about is making The Show. It doesn’t matter which team you play for, but I wanted to break in with the Bow Ties. A lot had changed in a few years. All of those dudes blocking my way were winning titles elsewhere, and I was destroying baseballs down in AAA”
Hofmeister: “All of this set the table though, there are no half measures in my opinion. If you are going to suck, you should suck the most. First off, we needed to get our finances in line, which was going to take a couple years. Secondly, we spent $65,000,000 which is the opposite of what I just told you. Still, I knew there was a spark there. We weren’t done yet.”
Part Three: Tie One On
While it was technically a baseball game it felt more like an exorcism at 5 Paces Park when they finally clinched. The Bow Ties entered September with a decent shot at winning the Menard’s League title, but the same could be said about the top four teams. It was going to require the oft-injured team to string together the best baseball of their season just to have a shot.
Shill: “This was a totally different club. Granted, we were playing much worse competition down in the ML, but we also had some DUDES too. You needed an L-screen to pitch to the middle of our lineup with Jesus, myself, and Agro”
Downing: “Look, this is a Big Club, and we started to bring back that Big Club feel. We just needed to take it one day at a time, and The Good Lord Willing, things will work out”
Hofmeister: “I was hoping for a playoff spot coming into this season. Mainly, we just needed the cash. We were hoping if we weren’t terrible that fans would start coming back to the park, but we didn’t really start dreaming until the last week of the season”
Betty: “I know its the ML, I know its the ML, but it felt good to suck less!”
Stonewall: “It might be the ML Betty, but its still real to me, dammit”
Bangert: “Have I peaked a little at how they were doing since I left? Yeah, a little bit. I was raised a Bow Tie, and that doesn’t leave you. Especially when they are paying your salary to murder baseballs for another club. Thanks for the checks, Hof!”
Encarnacion: “We vowed to make it a new club starting in Spring Training. The losing had to stop. It was Dinger Time™.”
When you look for heroes, you usually skip over the guy who spent six full seasons in single A ball. However, in the game of baseball sometimes the ball finds you. In extra innings of a tense game Brady Maskimenov ripped a double in the gap sending the Bow Ties to the Silver League. They would go on to win the next recording their 69th win of the season completing the turnaround from 39-69 the previous year to 69-39.
Shill: “Even the morning of, we didn’t have it in the bag. We looked up in the executive suite and saw our GM popping champagne after the first inning grand slam. That really shook us up on the field because we still had a lot of baseball left to be played”
Encarnacion: “I just love these guys. I said it would be Dinger Time ™ and it has been Dinger Time™.”
Hofmeister: “Did I think we cliched after the first inning? Hell yeah I did! Did sending champagne giphys to the group chat early on almost bite me in the ass? Also, hell yeah!”
Betty: *dumps them out in celebration*
Downing: “It is important for a club of this size, many would classify as a Big Club, return to the Silver League. Our reputation is staked on it”
Bangert: “I wish them the best, but I am so glad I am in the SL next year because I see what that rotation looks like after Haines”
Stonewall: “Being a fan isn’t rational, but neither is voting against a health care policy that could save you and your wife. Life isn’t rational. You pour your heart and soul into rooting on a club, but every so often they give you something back”
Shufflebarger: “When we talk about a tight budget around here, we aren’t kidding. That Andre that I gave them that night was the same stuff left over from 2035. Management demanded that I keep it”
Hofmeister: “This time the wins are as real as the love that I have for this city, this club, and this team. I am blessed that continue to allow me to run this franchise straight into mediocrity for all of my adult life”