UNNAMED LOCATION- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE OF THE BUCKHEAD BOWTIES
2037 Public Hall of Fame Ballot
“So many who remembered already forgotten, and those who were remembered them long gone”- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.6
The one thing that we all have in common is that we will die. It is an inescapable fate that befalls us all. In two generations everyone that remembers us will be dead themselves. Our time here is fleeting and we spend it chasing after things that don’t really matter. If we want to use our remaining days to power rank foolish human desires, chasing after Fame (as opposed to spending time writing a fake article about fake computer baseball players), might be at the top of that list. Anyways, here are the best real fake baseball players…
Don “Grim Reaper” Brown
Mr. Brown not having a place amongst the USBA greats in Internets Town, USA (home of the USBA Hall of Fame) is the greatest injustice in this country since the disparity of crack and cocaine sentencing laws of the 1980s. When the USBA was formed in the dark ages of 2013 the original owners held up a conch shell to their lips and blew loudly summoning the greatest baseball players in the land to join. At the age of 34 the Grim Reaper answered the call and laid waste to the league into his 40s. Like our own Founding Fathers, Don Brown wasn’t perfect, but he did a great job with what he was given and you can’t tell the story of this league without him.
The First True Boston Star hasn’t gotten the love that he deserves from the Halls voters. Michael patrolled the center field in Boston starting at the age of 29 when most in that position would start to decline. He was so sure with the glove that the only “E” was in his last name. Last year he got 69% of the vote, but putting him in the Hall this year would actually be “nice”.
While pouring over the numbers in my mothers basement, I can come to only one conclusion, it is a Villa-real shame that he is not in the USBA Hall of Fame. In his defense, he put up 40 WAR in only 9 years, which are numbers that would make Henry Kissinger jealous.
It is essential to judge each person by the standards of their times. When the worms are feasting on our bodies those above the dirt will be recording podcast about how dumb we are eating red meat, or have “educational” “institutions” sponsor American Football teams. When it comes to Roy Rob he is the best to ever have done it, and has only been held back by his manager. If throwing up a 367 ERA+ while nabbing enough rings to cover his knuckles doesn’t get you in the Hall, we should close its doors.
Though he hails from our friendly neighbor to the North, Hines was anything but friendly on the mound during his him in the USBA. Hines makes a claim for being the best starting pitcher to lace them up in history. The only thing he should be sorrey a boot is that he wasn’t productive after his 30th birthday.
Another USBAer that joined the league later in life, but made the most of his time there. The Japanese fireballer had the best K/9 since the one that killed the terrorist back in October 2019. During his career he picked up two rings while earning the lowest FIP- of any starter not already enshrined in Internetstown.
My public statement from 2034 was true then, and remains true today:
“Though he burned brief, he burned bright. Henry was taken at the top of the 2014 first year player draft and wasted no time in claiming his spot as a great in the game. He posted a 2.8 WAR season at age 20 in the PL and never looked back. Sadly, Cheeto’s career was cut short by a tragic baseballing accident that nearly derailed the life of his GM as well. Prior to Henry rupturing his finger tendon in 2023 he was on his way to becoming the greatest pitcher in USBA history. From age 18-27 Henry put up 31.9 WAR. You have to assume he stays at that level until he is 55 at least giving him around 100 WAR. If you want to keep out a guy with basically 100 WAR you need to have your head examined.”
Guillermo “Grim Reaper” Garcia
Garcia’s nickname serves as a stark reminder of the fate that awaits us all. For the first couple years of the leagues existence, his opponents felt they were on deaths door every fifth day when he was scheduled to throw. In the 2013 and 2014 seasons he put up more red numbers than the Enron balance sheets before Arthur Anderson got their hands on them. He played a big factor in the original Golden Ball voting, and if you have any you would vote him in too.
Im was lured across the pond from South Korea for a contract that totaled up to $119,000,000 USD back in 2015. He stands up as the rare figure that exceeded those high expectations. After seeing that he ranked 3rd being two future HoFers in wRC+ I found it Im-possible not to include the lefty slugger in my Hall of Fame.