ATLANTA, GA- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE STANDING DESK OF GENERAL MANAGER KERRY HOFMEISTER
2039 USBA Hall of Fame Public Ballot
“Fame is like a shaved pig with a greased tail, and it is only after it has slipped through the hands of some thousands, that some fellow, by mere chance, holds on to it” -Davey Crockett
While Mr. Crockett never had to stand 60ft 6in away from Don Brown, or have to face a John Kaufman fastball, he can relate to most of the men that have suited up in USBA history. For all but a few the, chance to go into these Immortal Web Pages in Internets Town, USA is a dream at best. These pixelated protagonists elevated themselves far above their peers. This years class is a chance to right some wrongs of history, give the devil his due, and cheers the best GUYS ever to lace ‘em up.
The History Lessons
When I bring my kids to Internets Town, USA I want to be able to tell them the whole story. They should know the truth about the early corrupt days, the juiced stats days, ratings gate, and all the rest. If we just showcase our beautiful moments then we are missing out. In order to know where we’re going we have to take a good hard look at where we’ve been.
Closer (and only a closer): Roy Robinson
Some men are born in the wrong era, but we can’t hold an unlucky bounce of history against them. Robison was subjected to inefficient and amoral leadership and overcame it to do heros work on the mound to a level we haven’t seen since Dr. Fauci way back in 2020. It was not Robinsons fault that he wasn’t born into a more evolved baseball universe that accepted him for who he really was, the most dominant pitcher in league history on a per inning basis. The last Patriot that was born this far ahead of his time was Deborah Sampson.
Catcher: Don Brown
It is an 8.9 mile walk from Don Browns birthplace in Tyson Corner, VA to the stadium in NOVA where he became a legend. Corner bar owners in the area still tell tall tales of his pregame pub crawls to the stadium on muggy summer afternoons. After wandering the earth aimlessly for his first 33 years, Brown joined up with the start up USBA in his mid 30s, but only after the rule was changed in the league office that let gods play in a league of mortals. His 2014 season cast a shadow over the Silver League that still remains. In that season Brown put up a Rumsfeldian 10.5 WAR. Lets #VoteBrown and make this Mission Accomplished.
Right Fielder: Manuel Villareal
The former Boston star is as loyal as his sideburns are long. He was a rock in the Patriot outfield well into his late thirties never putting on the jersey of another team. Manuel is a throwback player and any accurate recording of league history has to include him. From his twenty nine to age thirty six seasons he averaged 5+ WAR a season. He was able to remain incredible stamina at a late age without relying on any blue pills.
Hate How Good They Were (And Who They Played For)
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. No matter what team these guys might have played for, they are highly deserving of going into the Hall. It doesn’t matter that two of them were obtained by less than forthright means. I am the bigger man, and I am willing to look beyond that. I am such a big man in fact that it still doesn’t bother me that Swampy took a crimally undermarket deal to stay in Boston. In fact hardly a day goes by anymore that I think about how Boston absolutely stole two Hall of Fame pitchers in the same deal that they also unloaded so much salary it would make Cheese blush, leading to sixteen straight trophies. A man of my character would never.
Left Fielder: Wilfred “Swampy” McLaughlin
Anointed as the future of the league right away after being selected 1-1 in the draft after picking up the Golden Spikes Award as a senior at Rice. Swampy did not take long to turn heel after a move from Thunder Bay to The Evil Empire. He quickly established himself as a Winner capturing six league titles in his fifteen pro seasons. McLaughlin was great through his mid 30s, finally hanging up the cleats after twelve soul sucking at bats in the baseball abyss of Montana.
Starting Pitcher: John “Rumble” Kaufman
John has the distinction of being the only good thing ever to come from Montana in USBA history. The right handed fireballer grew up attending Pandas games on $.10 ticket night that took place fifty-four times a season. During the long cold winters his dad outfitted their pull barn with heat so that he could long toss into a net and dream of the day when the snow around him would melt. He soon used his golden arm to escape to Clemson where he lead the Tigers to three CWS appearances during his time there. During his long and illustrious career he had the distinct privilege of playing for the two most evil franchises at the height of their powers. Some guys just have all the luck.
Starting Pitcher: Jorge “Chuckwagon” Aguirre
Prior to the 2020 season Boston pulled off the greatest trade since Dutchman Peter Minuit purchased the island of Manhattan from Native Americans for $24. After he arrived in Boston he helped punch the Patriots record seven Premier League Titles. He was at the height of his powers during the 2020 season where his record was a perfect 20-0 and a league leading 7 WAR. It is a real shame he didn’t bring smallpox into the Boston clubhouse with him.
Dudes Being GUYS
In order to understand the complex world of baseball scouting you have to learn a very scientific scale. At the bottom are “not a guy”, followed by “guys”, and lastly “GUYS”. All of the following gentlemen belong to the last class of ballplayer.
Second Baseman: Noel Ballard
The man has about as much Red Ink as all four gospels combined. His long career as a OBP machine makes him a no doubt first- Ballard hall of famer.
Starting Pitcher: Ralph McKinney
This undrafted Floridian was a two-pitch wonder that flat got it done at the highest levels for a long time. The right hander was a steady presence in the PL, and was great over several volatile eras. McKinney was a workhorse that kept his otherwise average teams playing top flight baseball year after year. His best season came at the age of 27 when he trounced the PL to the tune of 6.5 WAR and a Golden Ball to boot.
Starting Pitcher: Sozen Raikatuji
Many around the globe after throwing 981 pitches over a three day stretch as a high schooler in the famous Koshien tournament. He started dominating the Japanese League for the Radio Shack Eagles during his late teenage years before making the jump to the growing USBA. Having an incredibly high profile Japanese player like Raikatuji was huge for the league. He wasted no time dominating on American soil racking up 38 WAR in seven short seasons proving himself worthy of the $162,000,000 contract that he received.
Designated Hitter: John “Speedboat” Downing
No man has ever made more trips around the league, or the base paths of the USBA. Downing was drafted first overall way back in 2013 as the first pick in franchise history for the Buckhead Bow Ties. He went on to outlast everyone in that class and most of their sons that made the league as well. Throughout his 22 year career he spent time in all three USBA leagues, but was most at home in the Premier League. He leads the league in both home runs and strikeouts. That occasionally hitting, but mostly missing, approach to life has lead him to join the Bow Ties front office where the USBAs George Washington hopes to impart some wisdom on the next generation of players.