USBA KNORTS – End of Season 2034

By | 2019-03-13

Davey Enterprises is excited to announce its latest innovation, KNORTS™! In conjunction with some very helpful guest analysts we have developed:

(S)eems to Have

I’ve asked three esteemed members of the league to rank the USBA teams 1-32 and write blurbs for each team in their league (some went above and beyond). Big thanks to JJ Mingo, TeeJ Beeman Thundercat, and Andrew Panda for participating – if you’re interested in participating in a future KNORTS post, slide into my DMs.

1. Las Vegas
(Editor’s note: I told everyone they were responsible for writing about each team in their league, but JJ did what he wanted and left this one blank)
2. Boston
Everyone’s least favorite Tyler is back in the PL race…so we are all excited about that. A couple of bad years keeps his KNORTS ratings down. – JJ
3. Buckhead
This is Buckhead’s year. The Buckhead Bandwagon™ is rounding third and heading for home. There is no way this team can be stopped. They truly are the 2034 team of destiny that we all predicted. Only an absolute moron, and I mean complete imbecile, could not win with this team. They are loaded from top to bottom with talent and are the stone cold lock of the century. – JJ
4. Houston
Tyler might be the unhappiest GM ever to win 70 games. – Panda

The King of KNORTS Style is officially Houston and his 4 players that currently have 20+ Home Runs. Did you know that all 4 players now rank in Houston’s top 10? Its a shame that Bob “Big Donger” Dickerson seems to be on his way out. The only way that Houston could get more Knorts is if he joined the SL. – JJ
5. New Orleans
New Orleans hasn’t been this upset since the NFC Championship game, or last season. The Voodoo were 13-2 in September before running into a buzz saw in Kansas City, the ACKC sweep won the season series for them. They will be favored in the Promotion Playoff, but it might be closer than the experts think. – TeeJ

Chase is a no talent hack, but somehow finds his way to #11 (Ed. JJ’s personal ranking). It is likely that the trio of ex Flamingo’s are carrying his team. – JJ
6. Charleston
They are at least still a year from hitting their peak. Joey Coco will be a MVP candidate every year once he matures. – Panda

Matt has chutzpah, and we in Vegas like a marshmallow with a big pair of KNORTS. While we don’t approve of the fact his team celebrates violence against woman, you have to hope he eventually finds an apartment big enough for his sports memorabilia. – JJ
7. Portland – JJ
8. Philadelphia 1776
Swainer’s team could not get any more boring. Josh lives in Montana and that is boring…. He had a hairdresser named Morgan who was a total babe though, and his sister was kinda hot before she got married. – JJ
9. Chicago
Grog’s team was really disappointing. – JJ
10. New Jersey
Nebraska/California/Detroit/New Jersey went 11-2 in extra inning ballgames, with both of those losses coming in Cup group play. Where will they move too next? My bet is on Alaska or some bumfuck Mississippi town. – TeeJ

This team still has Eddie Stank and I don’t like it. – JJ
11. Thunder Bay
The Canadians had high hopes going into the season, but a punchless offense crushed them. Thunder Bay limped down the stretch, going 25-37 in the last 3 months. Only one player hit 10+ home runs, which makes you wonder why Sebastien Cornu was in AAA all year putting up 6.2 WAR and hitting 37 dongers. Look for Cornu to hit 30 next year with the big club if Scott figures out he exists. – TeeJ

ThunderScooter… The man, the myth, the overly exhausted father. When ThunderScooter appears on slack it makes for a weird time. The Mouse has likely brainwashed him, but at one time David Smith and ThunderScooter were about as KNORTS as you get. – JJ
12. Montana
This is what $270M buys you. Hard to tell if that’s a good or a bad result. – Panda

No longer LOLTana…Panderman is about to ride 500,000,000 in debt straight to the SL where they will file Chapter 11 Bankruptcy and all 7 fans will get a case of the sads. – JJ
13. Oakland
The magic might finally be out, but it’s so late in the year it doesn’t matter anymore. – Panda
14. D.C.
15. Greenville
Get ready for this team to be a nightmare in 2-3 years. For now everyone can breathe easy as the pitching just hasn’t clicked yet. – Panda

Bosma is finally getting over the hump and will win the 3L again this year. Year after year it seems that Greenville dominates and takes home the 3L title. – JJ
16. Vancouver
The unbeliver of KNORTS. His team deserves a higher spot , especially above a team that was once run by Troy (Ed. JJ ranked Vancouver 31 and Brooklyn 30), but the fact he wont embrace it moves him close to the bottom. – JJ
17. Northern Virginia
Everyone loves Davey. He gives good internet hugs. – JJ
18. St. Louis
Does anybody know what a Coeur is? Neither do I. The Frenchies finished on a 27-12 run to work their way from last to 4th behind a vintage Noel Ballard season. With only 30M on the books next year, the French hearts could surprise next season. – TeeJ

#10 is a place that Crossword Scooter has occupied for about 2 decades (Ed. JJ’s ranking)… some things change…Crossword Scooter stays the same. – JJ
19. Toledo
Toledo fucked me real hard last season, so I am happy his bitchass sucks this year. – JJ
20. Athletic Club KC
A solid 60-48 season for ACKC. The club finished 11-1 down the stretch, and should be ready to hand NOLA a hell of a series as they try to get back to the PL for the first time in 6 years. – TeeJ
21. Nashville
Grafton could never find their footing after a red hot May. I am trying to find something that stands out, but Nashville is either 6th or 7th in most categories, so congrats on being super mediocre? The Outlaws were great at putting the ball in play, finishing 2nd in batting average, hits and Ks. Too bad they really couldn’t do anything else. – TeeJ
22. Seattle
The Aviators were super worried about the 737 MAX down the stretch, and kinda forgot they also played baseball. Still, a 51 win season in the SL isn’t terrible for a team that has been in the3L for most of its life. Outside of Kenny Webster their offense was worse than bad. Look for them to pick up some bats this offseason. – TeeJ
23. New Amsterdam
Press F for New Amsterdam. The cheesy club was fighting for a relegation playoff spot most of the season, and went 6-12 down the stretch to fall all the way to 10th. NA only won one league title in its 21 year run, that being the inaugural SL title behind the legend Steve Ingram. 15 of 21 years were spent in the SL with the Dutchmen going 28-80 in its loan Premier League season. Oof. – TeeJ

The Cheeseman cometh. Cheese will take his team to new heights…or unprecedented failure, but the guy is a Hall of Famer so he gets lots of KNORTS. His team kinda sucks tho. – JJ
24. Richardson City
An extremely disappointing season for the Thundercats, who went 9-12 in August and 6-12 in September to finish 8th. RC had the leagues best bullpen and worst starting rotation with John McCain’s son (Ed. more like grandson) having the worst year of his career. With rumors of their GM departing, this relegation series could very telling to the direction of the club. – TeeJ

Terrence is barely old enough to run a team. – JJ
25. Ft. Worth
I’m not sure what the long term plan is. In the short term they are going to be having an extended offseason. – Panda

Ft Worthless Scooter had a handful of lucky years as a champion of mediocrity. His team finally lives up to its namesake and is fighting for relevance in a league with Houston, Charleston, and Bosma.
– JJ
26. Phoenix
Phoenix was dead according to our resident podcasters Davey and Kerry. That bulletin board material pushed them to a 9th place finish and a relegation playoff against RC. Walt’s former club knew how to hit dingers, but thats it. – TeeJ
27. Panama City
NoVa’s 2nd team (Ed. or third or fourth) is still trying to get out from under all the contracts that Matt signed. One day they will return to the glorious nature that Brian has cultivated. – Panda

Andrew’s love for Cassette Culture and dead malls cant make up for his terrible work as a GM. Granted Matt really killed Brian’s baby. – JJ
28. Wizarding
They are a team. They won some games. They lost some games. – Panda

Much like Dumbledore…Wizarding is dead. – JJ
29. Echo Park
At one point this year they were in playoff contention. Then the wheels fell off.. Will Hunting was the most abused pitcher in USBA this year, you can be sure he isn’t sad about the early winter. – Panda

Hot Taek. If Jordan won more…his team would be better. – JJ
30. Quebec City
They win another draft championship. They also were the unluckiest team in USBA. I’m not sure what this team has to do to change their fortune, but I hope they do. – Panda

Dude has so much KNORTS he refuses to trade and rebuild his abortion of a roster. That takes a lot of KNORTS. – JJ
31. Kingston Township
The more things change around them, the more they stay the same in KT. – Panda
32. Brooklyn
Troy left the team in shambles. It is not easy to start from ground zero with a team. Erock is doing his best. Maybe it’s time for a relocation? – Panda

This team reminds me of Troy and his magic panties…It makes me uncomfortable. – JJ