The USBA Re-Draft

By | 2020-03-01

The league office has officially announced my punishment for collusion, cheating, and generally bad behavior. In short the league has been duplicated, and I’m forced to be in a new league, alone, with Cheese. Sigh.

First things first (or first thing after my whining), is a re-draft. Our two teams draft in a snake order with me drafting first.


Davey – I was given the first pick so I’d be pressured into taking Divine Diablo. 38% of Cheese’s week consists of him getting me to compliment him/his team. As Gandhi famously said, “Fuck that”. With this pick I select Kameron Guangorena (San Mateo). The Austin, Texas born catcher brings a terrible attitude and I’m pretty sure he uses steroids. He’s also a good receiver coming off a 156 wRC+ season, and is 27 years old.

Cheese – I love my boy Diablo but he’s not the best left. Sorry Davey, you missed with your pick. Jerry Yates (Nashville) is a monster and the best catcher in the league. It was a toss up for me between him and Doug Allerdale from Greenville but Yates has over a .400 wOBA since the start of 2036 in all competition(Cup/League). I’m also a sucker for 8/9 contact guys and doubles galore. 

Also considered: Divine Diablo (Hollywood), Doug Allerdale (Greenville), Tim Stinson (NoVa)

First Base

Cheese – This is tough. But I have to go with the 30 million dollar man, Je-Myung Yu (Buffalo). He’s a mythical creature built of raw unchecked power and devastation. Since coming into the league he has not missed a game and has consistently been one of the best hitters.  Sure he was in the 3L for 3 of those seasons but he also put up over 200 wRC+ in 2 of those 3 seasons and is top 5 in most every offensive category. We’ll pretend he has a glove that works for this pick.

Davey – I don’t think we’ve had the proper reaction to Javier Sanchez. He was a regular at age 19 and a bonafide star at 21 (bona fide is latin for “good faith”, and the opposite is mala fide which we absolutely don’t use enough). He’s third all-time in WPA, first in doubles, and top ten in homers, RBI, and some other stuff I don’t feel like listing. It feels like he’s perpetually on the trade block and his popularity is Insignificant. Just feels he’s a surefire Hall of Famer that we’ve completely taken for granted. My pick is Johan Kroenig (Vancouver), who I’ll take over Mellor because Ed is a statue in the field.

Also considered: Ed Mellor (Kingston Township)

Second Base

Davey – Mario Castillo is the most non-italicized versatile player in the league, yeah? He’d probably be okay at shortstop, and I’m guessing ACKC would play him at catcher. I’m taking Eustacio Tafalla (Oakland) here because I love him.

Cheese – Jonas van Claveren (Phoenix) is better than Tafalla.  Davey has rose-tinted goggles going.  JVC is so good he’s the only player I’ve actively tried to trade for the night before a sim to avoid facing him.  I’m about 97.6% sure Phoenix is still in the 3L if he didn’t carry them single-handedly to the SL. He then proceeded to only bat .400 while nearly carrying the team to the PL.  He also won back to back MVPs. Did I mention he’s 23 and has missed less games in his ML career than Tafalla did last year?

Also considered: Mario Castillo (NoVa), Max “One Leg” Bortenschlager (Buffalo)

Third Base

Cheese – I was excited to pick first at Third Base, thinking there would be some big bats but they all seem to have tailed off or gotten picked as 2Bs except Yu-zeng Si (Oakland).  Outside of a 59 game stint for Buckhead in 2036 he has been one of the best bats in the USBA.  His glove is average but he is the preeminent elite 3B bat, averaging only 152 wRC+ and .396 wOBA across 8+ seasons.

Davey – Tula just asked Nova if she’d ever peed with food in her mouth. I’ll provide an update later. I guess the best I can do is Edward Sterrenburg (Boston). He can play 2B, so he can fill in for an injured Tafalla. He’s also a switch-hitter, which I like, and while his ratings say he can’t hit lefties his career splits are 124 wRC+ vs southpaws and 134 wRC+ vs northpaws.

Also considered: death, rather than having to pick from this paltry pool of players


Davey – The obvious conclusion to what Chicago has done over the past two-plus seasons is that nothing matters. But if we can take a life lesson from this, I think it’s the importance of not getting in your own way. The best trade is the one you don’t make. Just set it to auto-draft, Dave’s program is likely smarter than you are. Lineups and bullpen strategy don’t really matter, and even if they did you’re likely going to make the wrong decision. Melvin Thomas (Chicago) being played at first base is the most blatant misuse of a player in this league’s history.

Cheese – As has been discussed multiple times in #general, the quality of SS in USBA is pretty grim.  That being said, Colm Goodwill (New Orleans) is the top turd.  He does it all, +glove, +bat, +personality, and +driving Chase crazy.  He won the Platinum Stick 2 seasons ago and should do the same again this year.

Also considered: Richard Jost (Vancouver), Rio Mence (San Potato) (Cheese note: lol wtf, oh right I asked Davey to participate)

Left Field

Cheese – Dude, his nickname is Bambino and he has 10 power.  I don’t care if it’s Homerism, my man Kanko Umaba (Hollywood) is the greatest hitter in the USBA and you can’t convince me otherwise.  In the recent series vs Vegas he slashed a pedestrian.700/.800/1.600. He has had exactly 2 games all season being held hitless and been on base in every game but 1.  He has a WPA rating of Yes. Sure his glove isn’t the best but where else but left field can you care so little about a glove?

Davey – I’ll go with Jonathan Gunner (Chicago), even so slightly over Joey Coco. OSA had him as a 7/4/6 (contact/power/eye) when he was taken 19th in the 2032 draft. And then he was ignored into a superstar.

Also considered: Champ McCoy (San Potato), Craig Woods (Fort Worth), Joey Coco (Charleston)

Center Field

Davey – I’m not willing to compromise on defense here, so I’ll snag Yu-Shu Kang (Boston) here. Good speed and some pop help me feel okay about this pick, and when someone points out that he can’t hit I’ll tell them that batting average doesn’t matter and attack them personally.

Cheese – One of these days we’ll have a superstar centerfielder who can hit and field.  Until then I’ll settle for Ramon Rodriguez (Fort Worth) who can field and is a pretty good hitter.  It’s too bad Scooter broke his toy for a few weeks.

Also considered: Joey Coco (Charleston), Martin Talia (Phoenix)

Right Field

Cheese – Could you imagine if there was a team that had 2 of the best players in all of the league?  Well, Jorge Herrera (Thunder Bay) is one of those two. He’s a super mega ultra star.  I’m really glad salary isn’t a concern with these teams because I think between The Bird and Sabretooth Yu my payroll is already up around “my calculator doesn’t have that many zeros”.  I almost took Champ “Don’t Call Me Daniel” McCoy here but I secretly held out hope I could have him or Mellor at DH.

Davey – Because I took Kang with my last pick, I’m willing to play Champ McCoy (San Potato) in the field. When he was 25, McCoy hit .192/.273/.364. His OPS was 150 points lower than his previous low, during his age 23 season. His age 26 season he put up an OPS more than 300 points higher. It’s just the most Kerry thing I can think of.

Also considered: Where did all the good RF go?

Designated Hitter

Davey – Ed Mellor (Kington Township) offers 100-grade power, so he’s a no-brainer here. After having a borderline gold glove season in 2035, he’s been a negative in the field (according to ZR) the last two seasons. That’s really saying something given how broken our ZR is, and he should probably be DH’d in real fake life as well.

Cheese – CrosswordScooter has a ridiculous number of high caliber 23-year-old batters but Qing-nian Zexian (St. Louis) is the best of them all and really the best bat left.  His attitude makes a dumpster fire look like an inviting stove with hot cocoa and marshmallows but there’s no denying the man’s ability to hit. At 22 in the PL he put up 27 HR, 161 wRC+ and won the Platinum Stick.  Seems like an easy choice to take this 23-year-old.

Also considered: Scott Kerin (Hollywood), Dean Jackson (St. Louis), Mario Castillo (NoVa)

Starting Pitchers

Cheese – DisneyScooter baffled me this season by letting Jesus Vidro (Thunder Bay) start the season with a nagging day to day injury that lasted nearly a month.  So of course in that time he started 5 games, pitched 36.1 innings, and gave up only 10 runs.  He also has 3 elite pitches and a +curveball to go with pinpoint control and hasn’t given up a homerun since opening day. After Davey took Otero and Alfonso, the obvious choice was to take the only man who has beaten Vidro this year.  Matthew Fallows (Nashville) is disgustingly good and I hear for the right price this future 30+ million dollar man could be yours. Finally, I took Michael Machen (San Potato) because hot damn he’s good.

Davey – [Insert painful ice cold pun here]. My first pick is Jorge Otero (Phoenix), who judging by the latest communications from Planet Michael, is now available. Get to it, boys. Next up is Tony Alfonso (Charleston), whose walk rate continues to age very well. To get a lefty onto the staff, and to continue my secret strategy of acquiring every former Houston pitcher, I’ll take Zhao-ji Qiu (Buffalo).

Also considered: Eric Matson (Portland), Eddie Kop (NoVa), Miguel Rubia (NoVa), Rhys Maskell (Chicago), Ton Jobse (ACKC), Kevin Nogilny (Oakland)

Relief Pitchers

Davey – I find that almost every time a team “overachieves”, there’s an elite closer as an explanation. Raul Romero should have won the Golden Ball, but Kenji Aoki (Philadelphia) is our league’s best reliever. I, uhhh, also just realized that I haven’t taken any of my own players, so Brewster Warble (NoVa) narrowly over Yoshi Sugimoto.

Cheese – Uh this seemed like a no brainer, Raúl Romero (Portland) got robbed of his hardware last year and is only going to continue to anchor the elite Portland ‘pen. Shang-de Fu (Chicago) keeps protecting Brett from having to do anything other than show up on Slack and taunt people for losing to him.  I’m 93.4% sure that Brett also doesn’t know who he is.

Also considered: Scott Morrison (Charleston), Joe Khokar (Panama City)