2042 KNORTS: Hot, Fresh, And Just For You!

By | 2021-01-24

Quick update on Untitled Interactive Blog Post while I wait for my cohort to submit his KNORTS.

In a terribly exciting battle the mysterious participant, Grogg, and I battled to a 60-minute draw. Following the match, Chros and Michael stormed the ring and powerbombed us through the announcers table. It was a terrible scene, children were crying. Find out more about the future of Untitled Interactive Blog Post on this week’s episode…

  • By a convincing 9-1 vote you agree with Grogg that IFAs are better than draft picks. Pretty sure I’m the only one that voted for me.
  • We split 5-5 that 30 is over the hill.
  • Turns out the league agrees that JVC is the best player, also by a 9-1 vote. Sorry Gonorrea.

This edition of KNORTS we welcome back the co-founder, spiritual leader, second cousin with an unpressed claim on the throne, the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, JJ!

1. Buffalo

When we look back at this Buffalo run the thing that’ll stand out will be Chros’s absolutely balls out win now at all costs attitude, yeah? Or am I not understanding his genius? – Davey

This run is the type of genius GMing only a fellow genius can understand. – JJ

2. Boston

Anything interesting happen in Boston this offseason? – Davey

Now that the exploiting and potential cheating has been curbed – for now – the gap between Boston and others will be closer than ever – JJ

3. New Orleans

Acquiring as much good talent as possible has worked well, but it seems like there’s a lack of elite talent here doesn’t it? – Davey

New Orleans should challenge Buffalo, especially since none of his players has an arm as weak as Drew Brees – JJ

4. Hollywood

Cheese has spend $337M in payroll over the last two seasons and played in 0 ToC games. – Davey

If a couple things go right for the Cheeseman – maybe he acquires a player or two for a half eaten sandwich and a couple things go wrong for Buffalo – then Cheese might do something this year. – JJ

5. Greenville

I have no idea. Boston is the only team with as much talent, but I sometimes feel like Bosmer is playing a different game than the rest of us. – Davey

This is clearly going to be Bosma’s year. It just has to be right? – JJ

6. Pittsburgh

For real, this time they’re probably very close to being a very good team. – Davey

Pittsburgh is going to get over the hump and finally win the ToC… Stone Cold Lock of The Century of The Season™. – JJ

7. Portland

I didn’t think Portland would be all that good last season and they won the ToC, so. – Davey

I still really hate Portland…I know they won the ToC last season, but I really hope they suck – JJ

8. St. Louis

The opposite of Nawlins – elite talent, but seemingly a few holes. I’m very confident they’ll finish somewhere between 3rd and 9th. – Davey

The Nonsense will take their rightful place at the bottom of the PL. – JJ

9. Charleston

Is throwing $110M at a declining Tuna Thomas enough to save a neglected team that can’t even be bothered to hire minor league coaches? I dunno, but it’s gonna be interesting! – Davey

I hate to go out on a limb like this, and I know things could change, but does anyone else get the feeling this team missed their window? – JJ

10. Cleveland

It’s my favorite rotation in the entire league, but Dave always tells me that contact corresponds most directly with runs scored. I don’t see a lot of contact. – Davey

I got nothing for Grogg, he’s a super nice guy so I hope his team does well. – JJ

11. San Mateo

Quiterio Ruah is the perfect prospect. Elite contact, the best gap power in the game, good outfield defense. He also happens to be the greatest infielder in the history of the league… except he can’t turn a double play to save his life. 11/9/11/1 ratings if you believe OSA. If you can show me this in real life I might start watching baseball again. – Davey

San Mateo exists, and I copied Davy’s homework on this one. – JJ

12. Panama City

It’s been a long road back. Save a 60-win, fifth-place finish in 2037 PC hasn’t finished in the top half of the table any season since 2031. Urgency has never been in Dr. Brian’s playbook, but this is a team of good veterans and elite prospects that can win now. – Davey

The hot tub is heating up, and like an Olive Garden… a lot of salads are going to get tossed. – JJ

13. Long Island

I’ve always been a big fan of Michael, he’s one of my favorites. – Davey

I agree with whatever Davy said. – JJ

14. Kingston Township

KT set the franchise win record last year and finished higher than third for the first time in team history. It was only the fifth 60+ win season of all time for them. Champ McCoy played more than 100 games in three of his first seven major league seasons. In three years with KT, he’s average 107 games per season. – Davey

It was a big year for KT, maybe their best year…now the goalposts move so don’t disappoint us. – JJ

15. Ft. Worth

Fort Worth finished in the middle of the pack defensively last season, but did so while also putting up the worst SS ZR and third-worst CF ZR in the SL. Things don’t look like they’ll be better this season, and to boot the two catchers on the opening day roster both have 3 ability. Last year’s team has a 5.13 ERA and .322 opponent’s BABIP. Fort Worth 2042: Get Your Season Tickets NOW!! – Davey

Scooter’s team has not been interesting since the 19 dicketies, you know that time when the Keiser stole the word twenty…Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones – JJ

16. Buckhead

Jesus disappointed last year, only hitting 30 home runs and putting up no black ink. At age 26, four years into his career, he has the highest all time OPS. He was a scouting discovery that Greenville released in 2032. – Davey

Now that Orange Man is no longer in office, maybe Kerry can quit his SJW crusade on the darkweb and finally bring Buckhead back to their former glory (ed. note: there’s no former glory). Some say every time Kerry reminds us of our imperialistic past an angel kitten gets its wings. – JJ

17. Vancouver

Last year in these tomes I claimed that within two seasons Vancouver would have one of the best farm systems in all the league. This year they rank 3rd in the 3L and have two top 10 prospects. Not to toot my own horn, but I don’t have a way to end this sentence. – Davey

This is the year that Dave gets it together and makes his first of many runs. – JJ

18. Thunder Bay

The man knows how to model a shirt, but he’s still paying Vidro more than $54 million over the next three seasons. – Davey

A+ selfie game, solid B- roster. – JJ

19. Toledo

I predict that this season we’ll talk about Toledo a lot. – Davey

There is an old clip of this Japanese game show where the contestants have to say a tongue twister really fast without messing up, and if they mess up a contraption smacks them in the balls. That’s how I feel when TJ talks about the Bees. – JJ

20. NoVa

The modern era record for least runs scored in a season is 265 by Phoenix in 2022. The team hit .213 and had an OPS of .577. Pedro Torrez led the team with 10 home runs, while Raul Gonzales paced them with 32 RBI (and a .564 OPS). They stole 3 bases in 7 attempts over the entire campaign. I’ll probably score more runs than that team. – Davey

On paper Davy should not be good, and that is when he really excels. Dude always wins when no one is looking – JJ

21. Brooklyn

Brooklyn has stolen 130+ bases each of the past two season, in case you were wondering what Erock’s fetish is. – Davey

Much like most Warboys… We will not witness you, you will not be joining anyone in Valhalla all shiny and chrome…you are mediocre. – JJ

22. D.C.

Second-best team in the DC area for at least one more season. – Davey

Given the recent goings on and otherwise in DC, maybe this team can unite and finally be good. – JJ

23. Seattle

Constant failure Jur Prokop finally flipped the script and had a 19 homer/19 steal season last year. The only two players to go 20/20 were Tony Wonder (26 homers and 35 steals) and Zahid Kahshani (23 homers and 20 steals). – Davey

At what point does Seattle sell their team this season? – JJ

24. Mississippi

Best-case scenario at this point may be starting over in the 3L, and Mississippi may get that chance next season. – Davey

Hey, the next time you’re at the checkout counter and you hear the beep , think of all the fun you can have on SUPERMARKET SWEEP, when you realize life is meaningless and you will be joining us in the 3L next season. – JJ

25. Colorado

They had no business not being relegated last season, and they will pay the price for that this season. – Davey

I don’t know how Colorado stayed up. Maybe the GM, whoever you are, is actually a genius, or more likely you will come join us in the 3L this year – JJ

26. Echo Park

Many have been saying this is Echo Park’s year, but honestly I just don’t see it. – Davey

Can’t spell Purgatory without Echo Park. This team is a rudderless ship in need of some direction. – JJ

27. Oakland

In 2037, Oakland won at least 60 games for the fifth straight season and was promoted to the PL. Since then they have been relegated twice and finished with a losing record four straight years. This is because ambition will only lead to pain. – Davey

At least you aren’t Fred, Montana, or Vegas? – JJ

28. ACKC

Based on the Jimbob Ghostkeeper trade last season I thought ACKC would be pretty good, and they proceeded to not be good. So I don’t trust them even though their staff looks pretty good and OSA predictions like them. – Davey

Just not a lot to get excited about. – JJ

29. Detroit

I haven’t talked a lot to DMoney and I try to wait until I’ve actually conversed with someone before being a jerk to them. So what am I supposed to do here? – Davey

The only thing I can say about this team is that it used to be “run” by Brett. The only person with a lower export rate than Vegas. I don’t even know who runs this team now. – JJ

30. Nashville

Gets docked a few spots because Fred hasn’t been in chat as much lately. – Davey

Fred will be too busy playing forklift manager in his owner’s suite to even care about the results. Sorry Fella, this ain’t your year, but at least chicks are really into forklift drivers right now. – JJ

31. Las Vegas

Team owner JJ Hoban strolls into the Kingston Mangos locker room. The caring owner likes to visit with each of his affiliates before the season starts, but this year an undeniable dark cloud hangs over the owner. The sting of Sake van Arem’s retirement lingers, not just with the owner but the organization as a whole. After an unintelligible speech, youngster Coyote Peterson asks when the team will be introduced to their coaching staff. Hoban vomits out something that could best be deciphered as “figger it out” and walks out of the room. Las Vegas 2042: Season Tickets On Sale Now!! – Davey

Bad ownership makes a bad team. We are still not sure what to do without Sake… Can you believe Dave traded the greatest hitter of all time, Sake Van Arem for a pitcher? – JJ

32. Montana

I’m ran out of things to say about Montana years old. – Davey

At least they aren’t Vegas? – JJ

Full rankings below:

New Orleans42
St. Louis610
Northern Virginia2415
San Mateo1412
Long Island1118
Kingston Township1317
Ft. Worth1616
Thunder Bay1819
Panama City1513
Echo Park2526
Athletic Club KC2730
Las Vegas3132