2044 KNORTS: They Never Stay Retired

By | 2021-07-10

Apologies for the delay this year folks, like Mahatma Gandhi said, “Life comes at you fast”. Big thanks to blog superstar and future USBA genius Tuner for joining me this week, as well as our favorite twit, the now un-retired Cheese!

View our detailed, blurb-free, no spin zone rankings here.

1. Greenville

I used to have a Lamborghini named Ratko. I didn’t take it out of the garage much, and when I did I never went over 30 mph. – Davey

I went back and forth on this one between Boston and Bosma. I ended up putting Bosma in the #1 spot. I love his staff and while I would say his offense is not as strong as Boston, it should be good enough – Tuner

If Bosma ever started talking shit, this league would be a lot more fun as we watched him whoop our asses. – Cheese
2. Boston

Yawn. – Davey

Herrera starting is CF IMO is not going to work. The back of the lineup looks like it could be a risk as well. They are a good team and I am just nitpicking. I don’t think Boston is worried about winning it all this year but if he was I would take some of the shinny pieces and get a lockdown CF – Tuner

Team is still good, leadership is still a jerkballoon (ed. note: language, Cheese). – Cheese
3. St. Louis

Great run for Crossword Scoot – likely to win 60 games in the PL for the third straight season, and a second straight ToC. Caballero and Callendar will be missed, but there’s still a wealth of talent here. – Davey

The pitching staff is not as strong as the top two but I love that lineup. Look for Chriscross Scoot to fight for #1 and for sure get a TOC spot – Tuner

I’m high on the Scooter train and hope to see him push his way into the top 2. – Cheese
4. Toledo

If you’re good enough at identifying and developing talent it doesn’t matter too much how much the apples cost. – Davey

Toledo will score a bunch of runs with the young talent they have promoted. The pitching staff is getting older and getting hurt. Toledo will go as far as that staff will take them. Sellers is 29…. time flies. – Tuner

I hope they win the ToC this year and another USBA Cup. – Cheese

Best offseason in the league. Spent a ton of money on Ashley and Caballero (and added Ford last season), and STILL only has an $84M payroll. Andy’s also built the top farm in the SL. I would be shocked if KC wasn’t a top four team in the PL next season. – Davey

Welcome back to the top the SL. I mean “to be fair” (ed. note: to be faiiiirrrrr) this is a 3L team that just go promoted and will do the double promotion right to the PL. ACKC has the best 1-4 staff in the league. I am just a fan of this team – Tuner

Andy’s arms vs the Bee’s bats should be a great matchup for the SL crown. – Cheese
6. Baltimore

Buck won the Howard trade fiasco by a mile. – Davey

I was unsure who I would put in this spot and went between a couple of teams and ended up landing on the Bullets. I love love Matstomatoburg. In my short time in this league he has been the best signing. Just like last year, Buck is going to score runs and have runs scored on him. As of now I will say he will win more than he will lose. – Tuner

If they ever put a whole team together again they’d be dangerous. Maybe next year. – Cheese
7. Pittsburgh

Probably the worst spring training for any team, very on brand. But James Callendar was so good last season he probably should have got some Gold Ball love, and if Tyler can avoid repeating his previous 10th place PL finish he’s got the second best system in the league and a ton of financial freedom. Bright future, unless of course it all comes crashing down. – Davey

The PL is very top heavy with three teams fighting for the top and the other seven could finish anywhere from fourth to tenth. Tyler needs help for sure and I think he does something that keeps him in the middle of the pack. – Tuner

The best team in Pittsburgh is still in Pittsburgh. – Cheese
8. Nova Scotia

Last season the entire team slashed .307/.369/.478. Aside from Trautmann none of the position starters are over 30, but Tuner still had the audacity to go out and add Trevithicc. – Davey

Ok so last year I said I should finish in the top three and did. This year I feel I should be #1. I have put my chips in and said let’s go big or go home. I am going for the baby triple this year. – Tuner

When not clubbing baby seals, the Leviathan hit the ball really well too. – Cheese
9. Seattle

Mau added 70 home runs to a lineup that already had pop, and while the all-lefty rotation probably isn’t good enough for the PL it also probably wasn’t good enough for the SL. Yet here we are. – Davey

Seattle is going to hit the ball, Seattle is going to field the ball. The issue is they will only field the ball when its in the park and I don’t see a lot of balls staying in the park. That pitching staff is woof. I blame the previous GM as he loved hitting and is an idiot. Seattle got promoted in a bad SL last year and might get demoted this year. Looking at the minors I don’t see any pitching help on the way – Tuner

I think Mau’s nearly all lefty rotation will cause enough teams problems to sneak into the ToC. – Cheese
10. Hollywood

Fiscally speaking it was a great offseason for Cheese. We can complain about him talking about his piles of money, but we’re the ones that continue to retain on players we trade to him and bail him out of bad contracts. – Davey

Cheese will fucjing figure it out. His pitching staff if it stays the same is solid and his lineup is mostly a bunch of young guys who will just get better. He could sneak into the top four of the PL for sure – Tuner

This GM deserves to be demoted. – Cheese
t11. Long Island

Absolutely fascinating for the second offseason in a row. Looking at each of the trades individually it’s hard not to wonder what is going on, but after the dust has settled it’s clear Michael has mortgaged his draft and organizational depth for elite talent. I think it will work? – Davey

MICHAEL the hangman is coming for you. I don’t love your staff, I love JVC but he will probably get hurt. It was a good run but its coming to an end – Tuner

This team and GM deserve to be contracted. – Cheese
t11. Northern Virginia

Space Unicorn played in 92 games last season, his most since 2035. He’s roughly 200 games away from being top 100 all time in games played. – Davey

Nova JR makes their appearance on the list in the top 15. This team is a gorilla tape team. If some of the pieces go down, well Nova JR is going down too. I love the Jesus signing and he only won’t play against Seattle and their 56 LHPs – Tuner

Desperately trying to stay relevant, I’ve heard rumors of a return to cartoon villainy. – Cheese
13. Charleston

Luby now has 349 career PAs against lefties, and a .547 OPS. Alfonso signing is absolutely my favorite one of the offseason. – Davey

Tony A pushes Charleston to this spot. I don’t love this team but I don’t hate them either. They are like eating pot roast, you will eat pot roast but not many people request it. If Tony goes down well they might be looking at some SL time – Tuner

Potent lineup, continued lack of pitching slightly corrected with the addition of TonyA. – Cheese
14. San Potato

Dean enters year eighth in the SL, which is really hard to do. Only Thunder Bay (11 seasons), Grafton/Nashville (11 seasons), and New Amsterdam/Hollywood (10 seasons) have had more. – Davey

The SL went from trash to having four teams in my top 10. San Potato has some really good young pieces that get me excited. I still feel like they are missing something to take them to the next step. They may live in the SL FOREVER – Tuner

I think San Mateo has reached equilibrium and will continue to float in the SL until they bust a move in either direction. – Cheese
15. Mississippi

I wonder if Beau has always been this turbulent, or if taking over the (arguably) most turbulent team in USBA history broke him. – Davey

Who knows what wild card Beau will do. He could fight for the top or fight for the bottom. Beau is a wild horse and you just have to let him run. He usually lands on trying to win so I am a betting man and saying he tries for that – Tuner

Beau is my favorite GM to watch and I can’t wait to see the fireworks this season. – Cheese
16. Vancouver

Last season Eloi Hanai struck out 24 times in 420 PAs, which would put him eighth all time in K%. Teammate Roy Bagnall struck out 17 times in 384 PAs, which would put him second all time. – Davey

I had Dave pegged in the middle of the pack last year and his team took off. They played us in a seven-game series that could have went either way. He will fight me again this year and has a great chance to get promoted. Its a good young team that will only get better. – Tuner

Is Dave good again? Maybe he wins the promo playoff this time around. – Cheese
17. Colorado

The franchise hasn’t won 60 games since 2028, though Goatbud has come close the last two seasons (58 and 57). They probably don’t get there this year, what with the de Meij trade, but there’s a lot to dream on in the minors. – Davey

Mack is better than us all. He runs out a softball team each year and is always fighting for promotion. He should have been in the 3L like four seasons ago but here we are. GM of the year every year – Tuner

Mack should yell more, he keeps silently building a scary team over there. – Cheese
18. Buckhead

Every five seasons or so I feel like we wonder how exactly Kerry got relegated. Buckhead 2044: Season Tickets On Sale Now!! – Davey

A team that probably should not be in the 3L will not be there long. They landed on the Just Visting square. If only they had 44 million available they could have added some pieces to ensure they are going up…. too bad – Tuner

Buckhead went from a game away from the PL to the 3L in 109 games or less. I imagine they’re headed back to the SL soon™. – Cheese
19. Panama City

I think the 2036 top three picks Ringor, Vermillion, and Wieblatt might go down as the best top three picks of all time. Only comparable picks I can find from my minutes of research is the 2033 draft, which was Coco, Starkey, and Howard. – Davey

I guess Panama….. If only he had money to fill some of his holes. – Tuner

The Fish are so content swimming in USBAbucks they let Dino Tendies go finish his career elsewhere. I question management’s commitment to stocking the hot tub. – Cheese
20. DC

Second-best team in the DC area. – Davey

I am going to age myself with this but DC reminds me of the Seinfeld episode were the one girl looks hot but then you get her in different lighting and you say woof. – Tuner

I can’t wait to see the legendary trade talks for Hileman when Gerth finally gives up and starts another rebuild. – Cheese
21. Fort Worth

Is the cautionary tale here don’t get promoted before you’re ready? Don’t lose your best position player for 80 games? Just avoid the PL completely? Is it just one big cautionary tale? – Davey

I don’t like the Ft Worthless team this year and I don’t think Scooter does either. If he can somehow stay in the SL next year he will have 97 million to play with though – Tuner

Bye FoamerScooter, see you in another 10+ seasons. – Cheese
22. Detroit

It’s possible this team is much better than I know, but DMoney hasn’t colluded with me yet and I hate him for that. – Davey

Detroit will be a playoff team in the 3L. The ship has turned and its starting the climb. Gwang is a favorite of mine and he will do well in the 3L. Luther should do well at the back of the rotation. I do think they need to add one more piece which I am sure Dpenny is working on – Tuner

D$ is not usually this quiet. Maybe he’ll start talking when his team starts winning more…this year? – Cheese
23. Kingston Township

Rayzor currently has less than $60M in payroll next season, so hide your Free Agents. – Davey

Since giving Champ a lifetime contract that he ended up leaving, KT is broke. They still managed to stay in the SL and I think they can do the same this year – Tuner

KT is aging, getting expensive, and still paying DeMarvion Overshown a lot of money. Maybe next year they can rebuild the ML team to compete. – Cheese
24. Cleveland

The average SL team scored 465 runs (4.3 per game) and had an .718 OPS last season. These were the lowest numbers for a league since the 2035 SL, where the average team scored an average of 440 runs (4.1 per game) and had a .699 OPS. – Davey

Grog has went full rebuild and I like it. He may get demoted and that’s fine, He will rise again – Tuner

Sign. Popular. Players. – Cheese
25. Nashville

See them tumbling down/Pledging their love to the ground/Lonely – but free – I’ll be found/Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds – Davey

I miss you Fred. If Mau would work on getting you better internet we should play some games – Tuner

Hi Fred. – Cheese
26. Echo Park

Jordan enters year 14 in the 3L, a feat only surpassed by KT and Montana. – Davey

Death, taxes, and Jordan being a middle of the pack 3L team. Congrats on getting engaged though – Tuner

When will Jordan decide he’s tired of the 3L? Not this year at any rate. – Cheese
t27. New Orleans

I look forward to the Marvel What If episode about what if tbud beat me in game 109. – Davey

Chase is still a year or two from turning it around. If you want to know what I mean when I say “That team has a 3L staff” look at New Orleans. That is a 3L staff – Tuner

This is probably a generous rating but Chase will get in his own way trying to tank to the bottom of the 3L. – Cheese
t27. Las Vegas

Prior to the switch to OOTP XX, Vegas had eight straight winning seasons (including a PL and SL title). Since the switch JJ has had one .500 season. – Davey

JJ is the best ghost hunter I know. Once players find this out, they will play better and he will win more games. – Tuner

16.9% is an improvement over previous seasons. Maybe it’ll translate to wins. – Cheese
29. Buffalo

Even the Astros think this tank has been aggressive. – Davey

Hate feeds CHROS, we will all pay for what we have done to him. CHROS will have the #1 and #2 picks in a new game. May the draft gods be kind to him – Tuner

Can you start building again? You’re boring. – Cheese
30. Oakland

Dan has finished last in ZR in every league he’s been in since 2040, and hasn’t posted a positive ZR season since 2036. – Davey

Oakland wins the IFA world series each year – Tuner

Big spends in IFA means little spends in FA and continued hanging out at the bottom. – Cheese
31. Thunder Bay

Jorge Souza will enter arbitration after this season. He’s rewarded Thunder Scoot with a 9-20 record and a 5.62 ERA over his first two minimum-salary seasons. – Davey

No #1 pick for you this year. – Tuner

I was going to put Montana here but then they Panda’d all offseason and I’m pretty sure ThunderScooter will finish much higher than this but history tells me I’m lying. – Cheese
32. Montana

I think the hardest thing is not knowing. When you’re bad you know you’re going to be bad, so you can mentally prepare for it. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to know you’re going to be pretty good. A lot of the time it’s a terrifying middle. – Davey

Hey at least you will have the #1 pick….wait what’s that… well I do like what you got for it – Tuner

I look forward to updating the trade tracker more this season. – Cheese