If there’s one life lesson I can pass onto you, it’s that you should never try. If there are two life lessons I can pass onto you, it’s that you should never try and it’s always easier to deconstruct something that already exists rather than inventing something new.
With that, I give you my 2034 season predictions. Which are less predictions, and more deconstructing OSA predictions.
71-37 prediction; 72-36 last year, won all the titles
Key losses: P Roberto Calderon, CF Cesar Gomes, P Yoo-Chul Mun, C Adrian Gomez, CL Julio Rodriguez, DH Dewitt Hopper
Key additions: P Jeff Porter, I guess?
Why this prediction is wrong: The only player Treesus doesn’t have an in-house replacement for is Rodriguez. Portland will win way more than 71 games, unless they do something weird like play a Gold Glove CF at 3B or a Gold Glove RF at 1B.
Northern Virginia Rainbow Mermaids
66-42 prediction; 65-43 last year, won the Winner’s Cup
Key losses: OF Jojo Victory, P Ramon Molina, C Adrian Rogers
Key additions: P Yoo-Chul Mun, P Folkert van Huizen, OF Takashi Noda
Why this prediction is wrong: Space Unicorn won’t play 108 games, Mun and Samson won’t be the two best pitchers in the PL. Other than that it’s actually a pretty good prediction. I won’t mess this up.
59-49 prediction; 71-37 last year, won the Silver League
Key losses: P George Frazier, C Gabriel Maldonado, DH John Downing, DL Roberto Salazar
Key additions: P Jose Garcia, P Brian Fixel, P Yaji Otomo
Why this prediction is wrong: The Ties were unlucky last year according to base runs and pythag, and Kerrbear solidified the rotation and bullpen this offseason. Catcher remains a weak spot, but Buckhead has the top-level talent to challenge 70 wins this year.
57-51 prediction; 48-60 last year
Key losses: P Jose Garcia, DH Melvin Castro lol
Key additions: C Yoshi Samurakami, C Adrian Gomez
Why this prediction is wrong: Boston’s biggest pickups were two amateur pitchers, so barring impact prospects being called up this is largely the same team as last year.
Chicago Gold Sox
55-53 prediction; 54-54 last year
Key losses: P Jesus Franco, P Eddie Kop, C Manuel Guillama, 2B Noel Ballard
Key additions: Richard “Dick” TreviTHICC
Why this prediction is wrong: Grogg focused on clearing salary, and aside from Portland lost the most WAR in the PL this offseason. The Gold Sox are lousy with young arms, though, and once Dick TreviTHICC gets called up all bets are off. This is a 56-52 or 54-54 team.
Vancouver Grey Wolves
49-59 prediction; 63-45 last year
Key losses: C Gustavo Cortez, C Arlen Joysey
Key additions: [left blank intentionally]
Why this prediction is wrong: Couver had the best run prevention in the PL last year by a large margin, and all those guys are coming back. CF Johan Kroening is going to break out and have his name misspelled more than any other player in Slack. The second ‘n’ is tricky. Wolf Pups finish well over .500.
Philadelphia 1776 BC
49-59 prediction; 50-58 last year
Key losses: P Antonio Rodriguez, P Jaime van de Weideven
Why this prediction is wrong: Philly should probably spend some of that money.
49-59 prediction; 67-41 last year, won promotion playoff
Why this prediction is wrong: DC made no moves of note in the offseason. That said, it’s hard to say how/if this prediction is wrong without knowing Gerth’s essential status.
Las Vegas Flamingos
47-61 prediction; 61-47 last year
Key losses: P Chris Herrera, P Jesus Acosta, P Juan Cardenas
Key additions: C Adrian Rodgers, P Gustavo Perez, P Esteban Ruiz, P George Frazier, P Alfonso Zapata
Why this prediction is wrong: JJ is the best manager in our league, and he has (at least) two of the top position players. This is a top 4 team.
41-67 prediction; 62-46 last year
Key losses: IF Armando Alvarado, C Tsing Guao
Why this prediction is wrong: Stuck in payroll purgatory, Toledo wasn’t able to make any improvements this offseason. Due to some bullpen magic they were +4 wins in base runs last year. All that said, 41 wins is light for a team with Alf-Mart and Bishara.
Thunder Bay Northern Lions BC
61-47 prediction; 62-47 last year, lost game 109 to get into promotion series
Key additions: P Quentin Bowers, P Mitchell Atwell, P Ji Jang, P Jon Briddon
Key losses: 2B Dennis Higgins
Why this prediction is wrong: Do you think ThunderScooter was concerned about his pitching? Thunder Bay signed every pitcher with a pulse and now just has to hope they’re as good offensively as they were in 2033. 61 wins won’t be enough to win the SL.
Richardson City Thundercats
59-49 prediction; 57-51 last year
Key additions: P Calvin Beck, P Kaz Hamada
Why this prediction is wrong: TJ hasn’t shaken off the OOTP rust, which will lead to RC going -10 on base run wins.
59-49 prediction; 68-40 last year, won the 3L
Key additions: P Ramon Molina, P Gustavo Lopez
Why this prediction is wrong: A .332 team BABIP is not sustainable, and if Dutch does it again he should be burned at the stake.
New Jersey Fenix
56-52 prediction; 63-46 last year, lost SL promotion playoffs
Why this prediction is wrong: The team made no moves this offseason, only watching its players get a year older and a year closer to their inevitable real fake death. So it goes.
55-53 prediction; 67-41 last year, won 3L promotion playoffs
Key losses: P Juan Diaz, OF Takashi Noda
Key additions: C Gilberto Juarez, C Andy Putnam, P Eddie Kop, 3B Hyeon Kim
Why this prediction is wrong: I don’t know why it’s wrong, I just hope they win more than 55 games so tbud talks more about fake baseball and less about football.
Athletic Club KC
55-53 prediction; 50-58 last year
Key additions: DH Melvin Castro
Why this prediction is wrong: ACKC has a lot of big arms and power bats. This is a 56-52 or 54-54 team.
52-56 prediction; 39-69 last year, lost PL relegation series
Key losses: P Wes Hamm, P Mitchell Atwell
Why this prediction is wrong: Phoenix has a 43 Fan Interest. Michael has angered the OOTP Gods and they will not rest until this team is completely obliterated.
St. Louis Coeur
50-58 prediction; 26-82 last year, relegated from PL
Key losses: P Calvin Beck, 3B Cristo Gonzalez
Key additions: 2B Noel Ballard, 2B Nobuhisa Murakami
Why this prediction is wrong: CrosswordScooter was only relegated so he could rebrand his team. St. Louis will be promoted this year and go back to finishing between 5th and 7th in the PL for the next (in-game) decade.
New Amsterdam Dutchmen
48-60 prediction; 45-65 last year, won game 109 to avoid SL relegation series
Key losses: SS Mario Rivera, P Esteban Ruiz, P Jason Hamilton
Key additions: OF Kyu Kye
Why this prediction is wrong: The lineup has more holes that swiss, and the rotation stinks like limburger. This team is talented but old.
46-62 prediction; 43-65 last year, won SL relegation series
Key losses: P Jon Biddon, P Quentin Bowers, C Seon Kim
Key additions: C Arlen Joysey, P Wes Hamm
Why this prediction is wrong: I don’t understand how this team scores any runs. Seattle was +3 according to pythag last year. They will play in more 1-run games than any other team.
Houston 1837 BC
66-42 prediction; 58-50 last year
Key losses: OF Xavier Perez, SS Lionel McCloud, P Zalonte Hillary
Key additions: Kai-ge Choe
Why this prediction is wrong: Tyler’s the nicest guy, and has had a really bad run of luck. Over the last three seasons Houston is roughly -124 base run wins. We’re due for a good dice roll.
62-46 prediction; 55-53 last year
Key losses: P Alfonso Zapata
Key additions: Whoever he decides to call up
Why this prediction is wrong: I refuse to answer this until I know who Bosma is calling up.
60-48 prediction; 65-43 last year
Key additions: P Luis Flores, P Julio Rodriguez
Why this prediction is wrong: Oakland added the best closer in the game and a good SP to a 65-win team, they’re not losing five less games this season.
58-50 prediction; 61-47 last year
Why this prediction is wrong: Wizarding had a quiet offseason. If UEBA taught me anything, it is that Chris will soon be beating me every year.
Echo Park Lakers
57-51 prediction; 52-56 last year
Key losses: P Ji Jang, C Yoshi Samurakami
Key additions: C Gabriel Maldonado, OF Xavier Perez, IF Melissa Etheridge
Why this prediction is wrong: Actually, Echo Park might have more 1-run games than Seattle.
Quebec City Les Bleus
57-51 prediction; 52-56 last year
Key losses: 1B Raul Aguirre
Why this prediction is wrong: One of these years Quebec City is going to stay pretty healthy, their bats are going to develop as well as their pitchers have, and they’re going to make the 3L playoffs. Is 2034 that year? Sure, whatever.
Ft. Worth Cattlemen
54-54 prediction; 61-47 last year
Key losses: signing P Robbie Baxter, C Gilberto Juarez, P Gustavo Perez, IF Melissa Etheridge
Key additions: 1B Yannick Henderson
Why this prediction is wrong: Scooter lost the MVP and his entire family is sick. His SS signed with a league rival, meaning that Tumbleweed Morales is slated to be the team’s starting SS on opening day. It’s not going to be pretty, but it’s going to be entertaining.
53-55 prediction; 52-56 last year
Key losses: 1B Bats Benitez, 1B Gabriel Maldonado
Key additions: P Roberto Calderon and roughly 20 minor leaguers
Why this prediction is wrong: Joey Coco is worth 10 wins by himself.
50-58 prediction; 22-86 last year
Key losses and additions: I don’t have enough time
Why this prediction is wrong: Because the Pandas will look like a completely different team by the end of the season. It’s good to have Trader Panda back.
48-60 prediction; 44-65 last year, lost the SL relegation series
Key losses: 1B Yannick Henderson
Why this prediction is wrong: Only three players on this team are making more than $1M, and only two next year. This is a complete rebuild.
Kingston Township Knights
47-61 prediction; 47-61 last year
Key losses: 2B Juanito Gonzalez
Key additions: P Jesus Acosta, P Juan Diaz
Why this prediction is wrong: No team has ever finished with the same record two years in a row.
Panama City Piranhas
40-68 prediction; 40-68 in the SL, auto-relegated
Key losses: P Luis Flores, OF Tommy Jones, C Andy Putnam, P Folkert van Huizen
Key additions: OF Jojo Victory, Andrew is having another kid
Why this prediction is wrong: PC has no money and no impact prospects to call up. It’s going to be a long few years in the Tank, with 40 wins on the top end of projections.