2034 Mid-Season Review

By | 2019-02-15

You’re all doing a terrible job. Here’s specifically what you’re doing wrong.


Boston (33-21) – 9th in home runs and 9th in walks. These weaklings don’t even have a player with double digit home runs. And we haven’t even got to the part about the four shoulder injuries.

Buckhead (31-23) – The Ties are running -15 in xRD. Playing for the next month without their best hitter (Si) and second-best pitcher (Buchanan) is a curious strategy at best.

Las Vegas (30-24) – SS Ellis Greenham was worth 5 WAR and had a 134 wRC+ last season. In 2034 he’s slashing 224/299/267.

Portland (27-27) – They have the second worst ERA in the PL, and have a whopping .314 opponent’s BABIP. Portland’s answer to this was trading for a 34yo SP who hasn’t posted a sub-4 ERA since 2031.

Philadelphia (27-27) – No SP has an ERA below 4, and closer Tony Soliz has given up 21 runs in 27.2 IP. He only has 14 strikeouts.

Chicago (27-27) – The Gold Sox have no picks in the first two rounds.

Vancouver (25-29) – Channeling their inner Houston, Vancouver has decided to injure three of his best SPs and is running -3 in pW-L and -2 in xW-L.

NoVa (25-29) – The Northern Virginia Rainbow Cattleman are the worst defense in the PL. Here’s a complete list of qualified players with a positive ZR: 3B Space Unicorn (2.5), 1B Zahid Kashani (1.9), and C Tommy Socorro (0.9).

D.C. (24-30) – The Divided have a 5.36 SP ERA and have allowed a .320 BABIP. Base Runs also suggest that even being 6 games under .500, they’re the luckiest team in the PL (+37 expected Base Runs).

Toledo (21-33) – Kyoji Hakoda, Dylan Carson, and Brett Callison seem to be some combination of done and/or finished. This is less a blurb about Toledo and more a reminder that no matter what heights you reach you’re going to die just like everyone else.


New Orleans (32-22) – The Voodoo have an opponents BABIP of .270 and have scored 19 runs more than expected. This is them lucky, imagine how terrible the Voodoo will be once water finds its level.

New Jersey (32-22) – 2B Norman Winston is batting leadoff vs LHP, he’s 15-100 on the year. He has a career .211 batting average. Maru Pao Pao, who put up 11.6 WAR over a 3-year stretch, has a 4.84 ERA this year.

Thunder Bay (31-23) – The Northern Lions have hit 27 home runs in their first 54 games. The team leader in home runs is something called Antonio Mendoza, with 5. Guess they don’t have gyms in Canada, bro.

Nashville (30-24) – Closer Kenete Daku leads all of USBA with 6 blown saves. The Outlaws decided that the fastest OF not named van Munster should hurt his hamstring.

Phoenix (28-26) – After a red hot 15-9 May, spending some time in first place, and contending for a playoff spot even now, Phoenix’s fan interest is up to 50. Free Miguel Rubia.

Athletic Club KC (27-27) – According to pW-L and xW-L ACKC should be in second place. They’re 5-11 in one-run games.

Seattle Aviators ( 24-30) – Seattle is last in the SL in Batting Average, On-Base Percentage, Slugging Percentage, OPS (duh), Runs Scored, and Hits. The Aviators best offensive player according to wRC+ and wOBA is Albert Zamudio, and he has a .264 OBP.

New Amsterdam (24-30) – The Dutchmen are paying $41.3 million to Walt Coffman, Kyle Boddy, and Pedro Santos. That’s more than the entire payrolls of St. Louis and Greenville. Those three players have been worth 0.0 WAR.

Richardson City (22-32) – The Thundercats have 18 steals, tied for worst in USBA with Quebec City. They’re also worst in the SL in five pitching categories.

St. Louis Coeur (20-34) – Only Quebec City has a worst pW-L and xW-L. Their 9-15 home record is the second worst in all of USBA (behind only, you guessed it, Quebec City).


Oakland (36-18) – Base Runs says the Oaks should be 28-26. They instead have the best record in USBA at 18 games over .500. I’m sorry I said everyone is doing a terrible job, Dan is doing an amazing job.

Houston (34-20) – (Barely) 23yo former first-round pick Eugene Bennett is hitting .373 in AAA and Houston can’t find major league ABs for him. Despite being first in home runs and first in bullpen ERA they are 4-7 in one-run games.

Charleston (31-23) – Roberto Calderon has eaten 76 innings this season, and shit out a -0.1 WAR.

Echo Park (30-24) – Manuel Guillama has the least RBI for a player with double digit home runs (19 RBI, 10 HR). That’s not entirely a fluke, the Lakers are 8th in the 3L in OBP and 11th in walks.

Fort Worth (27-27) – Tumbleweed Morales has gone from a record-setting season to being worth negative WAR over the first half of the season. While their ZR isn’t as bad as NoVa’s, they have the highest opponent BABIP in the 3L.

Wizarding (27-27) – Wizarding has five players with at least 95 at bats and a batting average of .200 or less. Their run differential is 27 runs higher than expected, so without Tanner, Corona, and Roth it’s going to be a fun second half for them.

Montana (26-28) – The Panda’s 452 strikeouts are the second worst in USBA (New Amsterdam has 40 (!) more). Despite encouraging performances from Jesus Franco and Yoo-chul Mun they are 11th in SP ERA.

Kingston Township (26-28) – The Knights have the worst run differential in USBA (-72), but have been in playoff contention due to a 14-7 record in one-run games. Ron Bernard is having his worst full season, only pacing for 4.2 WAR.

Greenville (25-29) – Though Base Runs says they should be tied for 2nd, the 84s went 5-17 in June. The 84s are the worst team in USBA against lefties, going only 3-11 against them.

Panama City (24-30) – Jason MacGruder has the worst ERA amongst qualified pitchers in the USBA at 8.18, more than 2 runs worse than the second worst. Their -57 run differential is second worst in USBA.

Brooklyn (21-33) – The Dodgers are 0-5 in extra-inning games and 6-12 in one-run games. Pedro Alejandrez has been worth -0.2 WAR.

Quebec City (17-37) – Michael Machen has a 2.35 ERA, actually raising his career ERA to 2.30. His WHIP is 0.91, which would be a career high. He’s not in the top 100 of innings pitched.

Editor’s note: you’re all doing great and I’m very proud, keep it up.