USBA KNORTS Preseason 2036

By | 2019-08-11

All other predictions can suck it, it’s KNORTS time. Thank you Cheese and Tyler for their participation, and due to complete apathy from the PL participants I have provided PL blurbs.

Wanna see what inferior prediction models put together? Well it’s your grave:

PL predictions
SL predictions
3L predictions

1. Boston

I’m not sure how Evil is going to organize his pitching, but he has a lot of depth and former 1-1 Firpo Mayberry on the verge of making the majors. – Davey

This team is gonna win games but not hearts. – Cheese
2. Buckhead

In a bold move, Kerry let his leadoff hitter walk and didn’t replace him (or anyone else). This unique brand of hands off management will lead to Buckhead’s first PL title. – Davey

PL’s Houston – Tyler

Going for second best 3x. – Cheese
3. Portland

Buck is nice enough and all I guess, but I’ll never pick Portland to win anything. – Davey

Payling didn’t get traded. This team is still good no matter how hard Brandon tries to not be good. – Cheese
4. Charleston

Duck is the best. He’s assembled as much top-line talent as anyone, especially if Bishara returns to form. – Davey

I hope you get relegated – Tyler

It’s Duck Season! – Cheese
5. Vancouver

The Wolves won’t allow many runs this year. – Davey

Proud owner of a new Onion. Hopefully he doesn’t fall off a cliff. – Cheese
6. Las Vegas

The Flamingos are getting old and they haven’t had a top system in what seems like forever, but JJ is the best and he has the two best players in the game. – Davey

The hot tub in Vegas seems to have lost some of it’s bubbles lately. – Tyler

Team theme song needs to be a Queen song. Team is probably still ok. – Cheese
7. New Orleans

Somewhat of a youth movement in Nawlins. It’s like a new gumbo recipe. – Davey

This team will either win the league or be in relegation playoffs. What a time to be alive. – Cheese
8. St. Louis

We’re all terribly excited to see the debut clubhouse cancer Qing-nian Zexian. The prediction will look silly when Scooter acquires Space Unicorn mid-season. – Davey

You know they’re not getting relegated. – Tyler

Scooter has a team. It’s pretty good. But so is every team in the PL. – Cheese
9. Philadelphia

Swain is so quiet I don’t even know what to make fun of him about. – Davey

I assume they’re still ok. – Cheese
10. Nashville

Well-rounded team that is really terrible at two spots. – Tyler

Fred spent an awful lot of money this offseason so this team better be good. – Davey

Gatekeeper Fred will keep the riffraff from taking the top spot in the SL. – Cheese
11. Greenville

Probably not Greenville’s year. – Tyler

Must be nice having the two best catchers in the league. – Davey

It’s Greenville’s year again but it’s Nashville’s year more. – Cheese
12. Thunder Bay

2nd best team in the 3L. A Scooter is running this team, so you know they’re not winning the playoff. [ed. note: Tyler has no idea what league Thunder Bay is in, I’ve left this in so you know how seriously you should take his predictions]- Tyler

Bird Herrera will be the SL’s best hitter this year, and Jesus Vidro will be the SL’s best pitcher. – Davey

I’m sure they’re better this year but I haven’t looked at the team so here they are. – Cheese
13. Houston

Trifone will lead this team to a mighty 5th place finish. Clown pithers will hold them back in this clown park. Bob Dickerson is still the King. – Tyler

I wonder what gimmick Tyler will adopt this year. Probably something that doesn’t bother Dave at all. – Davey

When you add a bonafide ace you should win the SL. Right? Will miss the playoffs on a blown save. [ed. note: legit LOL] – Cheese
14. NoVa

Will be interesting to see how NOVA spins this as some sort of narrative. “The man is holding us down” or something like that. Have fun with your 39 blown saves. – Tyler

I’m only picking myself this low to be modest, I honestly think I’m the best team in the league. – Davey

I guess this team is gooder now. But only stay in the SL good. – Cheese
15. Oakland

Oakland is coming to terrorize this league in be a thorn in Houston’s side. – Tyler

Dan continues to mystify me with his winning ways – Cheese
16. Chicago

Coming to avenge the death of the Gold Sux.[ed. note: Tyler picked this team as the eighth best team in USBA, which makes me think he has no idea who this team is] – Tyler

Just like his quest for Plat 4 in TFT, Brett will get distracted by something else and not accomplish anything in the SL. – Cheese
17. ACKC

I guess they’re good. They made it to the USBA Cup finals and then got relegated. I am the confuse. – Cheese

This team had no business getting relegated. – Davey
18. Mississippi

No one has ever regretted acquiring Druglord Ayala. Good luck, Beau. – Davey

Did Beau do anything with the team this off-season? Why did I rank them this high? – Cheese
19. San Mateo

Dean is better at this game than the rest of us. It’s probably only bad luck that keeps him in the 3L. – Cheese

I thought this team was already in the SL. – Davey
20. Hollywood

This team failed to do anything of value this off-season except trade for an expensive stopper. It’s probably for the best. The deals that didn’t happen likely left this team in a position to compete beyond 2036. Pretty sure it’ll be competing for a top 10 pick but competing for something. [ed. note: TL;DR]- Cheese

Going to smoke the 3L competition. Who knows if it will taste any good. Smoked Panda is probably good though. – Tyler
21. DC

Worst team in the DC area – Davey

Gerth may just be on the double demo train this year. Probably not but he could be. – Cheese
22. Buffalo

Winter came and Chros now has the scariest lineup in the 3L with Greenville gone. – Cheese

Chros will be good as soon as Chros decides to be good. – Davey
23. Echo Park

Worst team in Los Angeles. Not sure they ever bought bats for the team.[ed. note: :fire:] – Cheese2
24. Brooklyn

Erock spent big this off-season after a near miracle run last season. We’ll call it a nearacle and hopefully a fluke. – Cheese

No one has ever regretted giving Count Dante a lot of money in free agency. Good luck, Erock. – Davey
25. Seattle

USBA Cup champs and launcher of awesome rockets. – Cheese
26. Toledo

Alf Mart going to take them to the promiseland… the basement. – Tyler

They’ll be better than this if TeeJ continues to fail to trade his players. – Davey

Somehow TeeJ got this high in my rankings. Probably an accident but he did have a really good season last year so that must mean good things are coming, right? – Cheese
27. Cleveland

At least they’re not Detroit… They’re not Detroit! – Tyler

Grogg is the best, unfortunately you can’t start draft picks. – Davey

Cleveland is easily the 4th best city in Ohio and definitely the worst USBA team in the state, which is impressive since Toledo also resides here. – Cheese
28. Phoenix

Michael is a wonderful human being from our interactions. That’s all I have to say about Phoenix. [ed. note: I feel like we’ve talked to different people] – Cheese

Still trying to wash off the smell of ska and 8-course meals. – Tyler
29. Fort Worth

Scoots didn’t trade for any of my players so he won’t have a breakout veteran resurgence. How embarrassing. – Cheese

This team is doomed to stay in the 3L until they fill their massive AGM hole. – Davey
30. Panama City

This team belongs here in my uneducated opinion. – Cheese

Still trying to wash off the smell of ska and 8-course meals. – Davey
31. Kingston Township

This is not KT’s year. Maybe not even their decade. – Cheese

Stapled to the 3L. – Tyler
32. Montana

I think the real problem is Pandas are not native to Montana and thus it causes a lot of problems in their performance. – Cheese

Not sure why I didn’t just place Montana here from the start, but I did after ranking the Top 17 teams. – Tyler

I think Pander will win some games, but I also think he will trade anyone who plays someone decent for money ASAP. – Davey