2046 KNORTS: The Remix Part 1

By | 2022-01-09

Having conquered the traditional KNORTS format by predicting basically everything correct in the 2045 season, the geniuses at Davey Industries have decided it’s time for a change. With a slight tweak to our formula, we’re now able to predict the offseason!

In the interest of getting more Click Engagementâ„¢ (and so I get paid for three posts instead of one), here’s part one of three.

Greenville Gibsons (69-39, 1st place in the PL, ToC Champion, AAA team went 109-0)
What they should do: Whatever the hell they want. It’s Greenville’s world and we are just living in it. They just paid Visscher big money and he rewarded them with a good season, although below his norm. As of right now he does not have a lot of money to spend so he will need to find a replacement at SS. A couple of options in AAA could fill that hole. – Tuner
What they will do: Greenville will do whatever the hell they want. But we should wait to tie up all our IFA money until Bosmer starts bidding, and then only bid on his guys. It takes a village to kill a dynasty. – Davey

Pittsburgh Kingfishers (61-47, 2nd place in the PL, has always been this good)
What they should do: Proclaim the franchise curse lifted and move back to Houston. They committed to 3B Zhu, 2B Melichar, C Young and CF Inoue, but will still have to re-up or replace SS Einstein, SP LaBarge, CL Yi, and P Romero. With a 100 FI, maxed out ticket prices, and ToC money, it’s time for New Houston to flex its financial muscle. – Davey
What they will do: Make a couple of small deals by moving AAA players. They let noodle arm walk in the hopes of signing some other guy to play SS. Make it to the TOC again. – Tuner

Seattle Rocketeers (60-48, 3rd place in the PL, will be the first USBA member to go to space)
What they should do: Take care of the kids, as the minors have been ignored. RF Keng is probably close to ready but he has been bounced around so much I would start him in AAA. Let Duffy play 2B and have Fat be the DH, Torres in LF and Qing in CF. They need a 1B but the good thing is there are a million of them out there so don’t worry too much about it. I would focus on SP and RP to go with the kids they have. – Tuner
What they will do: There are suddenly a lot of hole, not all of which can be filled internally, but based on the last season I don’t expect much movement. Prove me wrong, and improve our internet speed. – Davey

Boston Patriots (59-49, 4th place in the PL, -42 in Base Runs)
What they should do: Boston has a lot of talent at all levels. He has posted a block a couple of times saying he is going to move some of it and he should be more active trying to do that. His AAA team could probably win the 3L. That’s not an attack on the 3L, it’s just stating how deep this org is. Finishing fourth in the PL is a huge disappointment. I would take some stacks of those young kids and update my big league squad. Sadiya Seth should not be a CF in the PL. Of all the teams that could something about their holes…. this team can and should. FILL THE HOLES, FILL THEM ALL. – Tuner
What they will do: What are you talking about? There aren’t really any holes, they could roll out the exact same team as last season and finish top two in the league. That assumes JAM is resigned, which should be a no-brainer? Aside from that, Boston will sign whatever adult FA and child IFA they want, because they are USBA’s Maxwell Jacob Friedman. – Davey

St. Louis Nonsense (58-50, 5th place in the PL, lowest team credit score in USBA)
What they should do: Just missing out on the ToC was a major blow for a team that really needs the extra playoff revenue. Getting out of some of the $83M Sexy Zexy is owed would be nice. They will also have to figure out how to prevent groundballs from going to the right side of the infield, or replace the Swiss Cheesian combo of 1B Murakami and 2B Soto. – Davey
What they will do: Not move any of their big guys and then find a way to add to the team by having GMs (NS) pay for the players. Might stay in the PL but not looking great. – Tuner

Athletic Club KC (55-53, 6th place in the PL, has a kick ass logo)
What they should do: Ashley just had a 3.9 WAR in the PL. I would resign him but try to keep to 3 years. I feel like they would be close to winning it all. They have good young players they could build around, and as of right now 96 million in budget space. Look out everyone, Conor March should might be ready to go at the mid-point of the season. – Tuner
What they will do: I also feel like ACKC could be close to winning it all, and I also think they should re-sign Ashley. This blurb is less about anything KC and more about how much I love Tuner. I don’t have a sense of what they do but given the budget space I imagine it will be big. – Davey

Northern Virginia Rainbow Mermaids of Additional Text Goes Here (53-55, 7th place in the PL, American Cup champion, certified genius GM)
What they should do: It’s time to put Space Unicorn out to the celestial pasture, but fortunately good DHs are easy to find. It will be more difficult and costly replacing the versatile Colm Goodwill and Fa-hsein Tze. Above all else it’s time to admit Matsuta Kikuchi was a mistake and trade him for pennies on the dollar. – Davey
What they will do: Trade for a catcher with 11 ability to come in and hit .108. Next find a SS with a range of 11 and arm of 10 to hit .097. Complain about Kikuchi only to hang on to him and tell him how much he loves him behind the scenes. Proclaim in chat that Janero is an average player and laugh as he puts 4+ WAR up again. Also stays in the PL. (ed. note: god dammit Tuner) – Tuner

Long Island Lawn Guys (50-58, 8th place in the PL, won PL relegation series, playing trade chess while y’all are playing trade checkers)
What they should do: Prepare for what could be a long season. LI was a bottom three team last season and now with Nova Scotia and San Potato coming up they could be in trouble. JVC is always hurt and will die on this ship. I know he wants to stay in the PL but I’m not sure that will happen. There is a big market for Tuna Thomas right now and I would probably take the best offer. If he plays his cards right he might go down but could turn it around quick. – Tuner
What they will do: Our version of the New York Mets, Long Island will once again have the boldest offseason in all the league. My source from #team-needs suggest they will have an overhauled lineup come the start of the season, and I expect a number of changes to the PL’s 8th best pitching staff. At some point they will be part of a four-team/part trade. – Davey

Charleston Ducks (42-66, 9th place in the PL, lost the PL relegation series, has been working on a disc golf sim in his free time)
What they should do: They have the 30th ranked FI and a $20M budget drop on the horizon, so it’s time for Duck to play Asset Manager. Finding a Judas-like deal for Benno Luby and Jaime Espinar would be nice. Even if they can, the trio of Tony Alfonso, Joey Coco, and Datu Lesaca is an absolute anchor. – Davey
What they will do: Keep shedding the salary and embrace the suck. What does not get moved this offseason will be moved by the deadline. – Tuner

Fort Worthless Cattlemen (34-74, 10th place in the PL, will not miss the PL)
What they should do: This is the one team that I don’t have a clue what they should do. Every time I think this team is on the fast track the 3L, they get promoted to the PL with AAAA players. The budget is going to take a hit but he will still have money. I am at a loss with this team. They should be a favorite to go to the 3L so that means they will win the SL by a handful of games. – Tuner
What they will do: Fort Worthless will not make any major trades or spend much on international IFAs. Or, for that matter, spend much money on any free agent early in the offseason. They’ll wait until the dust settles and sign a couple of moderately priced post-prime players to fill out the roster. And finish top three in the SL. – Davey